buying and selling

well lookie who's blogging today. y'all, i just don't know. i like to write, but i am a perfectionist. so if i say i'm blogging about my family, then i feel like i have to include it all. which is stupid, i know. it makes me not want to do it at all. but i like to write! i like to share! we'll see.

anyway, i'll figure out my blog stuff. what i came to write about today is our home. the one we live in, the one we will live in. currently, we're still in our little house on the corner. there's TWO for sale signs in our yard. i kinda thought that looked desperate, but we're paying our realtor to know what she's doing. (like i said, our house is on the corner- so you can see the signs from both directions.)

people keep telling me: buying a house is hard, selling a house is hard. well, you know, there's that few who put the for sale sign in the yard and sell in like 2 hours- they didn't find it hard.  i found it hard in the beginning- keeping my house perfect, the maybe offers, the fixing and painting and just stress in general that i put myself through.

i wonder how much of this buying and selling hasn't been God's way of revealing some ugly stuff i've been carrying around. much of my time since january has been spent thinking about our next home. the majority of the fights that have come about between keith and i were because of selling our home. y'all seeing the pattern yet? our next home had become an idol to me. one that i dreamed about, obsessed about, and clung to with every ounce of strength. we were MOVING. period. all of my hopes and dreams were pinned on that next home.

well, y'all can just imagine how hard it's been to wait when you're living with that kind of thinking. God is so good y'all. He's used waiting on this house to open my eyes to so many dark corners of my heart lately. that and my mama and a good book- but that's a post for another day.

here's the thing He spoke to me so clearly: the new house is a WANT, not a need. no matter how much i want to justify it up and say that we'll bless people with hospitality and we want to raise our kids with a simpler lifestyle and we need an office and a guest room and i could go on...but still, it's a WANT. we are perfectly fine where we're at.

God has a good plan for my family. He's FOR us. i know, we hear this all the time but we're like toddlers- we don't know why we can't have oreos for lunch because that sounds great, but in the end it'd make us sick and cranky- and God knows that, we just can't see it.

it's been confirmed to us more than once that God wants to bless us with a crazy deal when it comes to a new home, but i can honestly say at this point that the crazy deal that's been going on in my heart is better than a house. all of that stress and thought and worry and perfectionism is in no way part of God's plan. it's sin. not giving it to Him and letting Him handle it in His way and His time is nothing short of pride and idolatry. those are hard words y'all, but that's the way it was put to me.

i'm not saying that i won't fall back into discouragement or my obsessive tendency to be in control. it's all right there in my heart, just waiting to jump back out and start bossing God and my husband around. i'm just going to have to see it for what it is and once again, give it back to God. i don't want it anymore.

so, i WANT a new home. i'm ready for a new home, but i'm going to make my current home a happy place and i'm going to WAIT and give it to God. and if i never get it, then that's okay too. that's another thing, the more i give it over to God, the less i want it. funny how that happens.  God's plan is a GOOD one, and regardless of what happens in the physical world, we got a crazy deal in the spiritual one.

i'm heading down to the basement

y'all, seriously- i know that some people love debate and thrive on posting their political/religious/whatever beliefs on social media and that is absolutely their right- but it makes my head and stomach hurt. i know how i feel when someone posts/tweets (i'm not on twitter, fb is too much for me most days!) something derogatory about my God, my state, my team, my lifestyle- it hurts. i can't help but wonder about my friends who are living a lifestyle different from me, if they are hurt.  if what we as christians write make them want to get to know Jesus more. if we aren't drawing a line in the sand and saying, "i'm over here and you're over there because you're gay/agnostic/liberal/inter-racially married." how do they ever cross that line? until they become like us? 

there's even lines within the christian groups about "movies (no, i didn't see magic mike.), tv, working/staying home, homeschool/christian private school/and poor socially backwards and uneducated public school kids who will never be good christian members of society (eye roll), where we eat, what we buy, who we are friends with, what denomination we're a part of"- this list could go on and on. 

there is complete truth in the Bible. i'm clinging to it and believing that every scripture is from the Lord-  absolutely and without a doubt. there is mercy and grace and judgement and power and healing and more things than i can name wrapped up in scripture than i can write here.  i'm just not fully sold on the way to inspire others to seek truth for themselves is through social media. i'm assuming if you're reading here you want to hear what i have to say, nobody's forcing you. actually, you had to seek me out.

and i'm not really saying we shouldn't speak our point of view- we just need to do it in LOVE people. we need to think about the impact of what we write and other's feelings. we don't need to be a stumbling block to non-believers because we're so caught up in being right. i'm SO very guilty of this. i fall captive to this need over and over again (just ask my husband!)

and so, now that you've read this essay, here's another one that does a better job about what i'm trying to say.

http://jenhatmaker.com/blog/2012/07/27/in-the-basement

my favorite quote from the article:

"The lines we draw in the sand do absolutely nothing except assure everyone else: YOU’RE OUT." ~Jenn Hatmaker.

just stop it.

last night i went to my first PTO board meeting for the year. the leaders have our school's PTO down to an art, so much so that they just need people to work on what's already set in place. like everything at c's school- nothing is done on a small scale. everything is BIG and to the max. i love that. it's one of the reasons i loved teaching at c's school back in the day- i felt appreciated. (which is the reason i asked to be on the teacher appreciation committee.)

anyway, i went with my dear friend jennifer- and she told me on the way home that she was so thankful i suggested riding together because she hated walking in to meetings and things like that by herself. i do too! her quote was, "i always think everybody there is going to be best friends and i'm going to be sitting in the corner by myself". yep, me too!

well, i can tell you now that i knew or had recently met at least 3/4 of the ladies there, so it would've been fine. but it got me to thinking about how much i think about what other folks think about little ole me.

God created me to be me! He didn't make to do what others do. so whenever i feel myself comparing me to anyone else- i have to stop and think about what God created me for. what my purpose is. here's a list of things that God did not create me for (apparently):

a. gardening my own vegetables
b. homeschooling
c. being early
d. being a morning person
e. being bold about my political views on facebook (can't do it. it ain't worth the stress that i would go through.)
f. dealing with other people's drama (unless it's legit. y'all know what i mean, right?)
g. keeping a perfectly neat home (we're not dirty, but we fo sho can be messy!)
h. cooking elaborate meals (hate it!)
i. to be unorganized. i hate disorganization.

i'm not saying that the Lord couldn't convict me to change some of the above. He may. but i think that's the difference- we think that someone else's convictions and how God created them to be is how we're supposed to be. or we think people are supposed to be like us and if they're not, they're somehow sinning. i'm learning more and more to listen to God's leading and not people's leading. if it's from Him, it will bear much fruit. if it's not, it'll turn into a burden and a big fat mess.

God created me to:
a. raise my boys to be godly men with integrity
b. be a night person
c. enjoy little boys and think they're the coolest things ever.
d. be a teacher
e. be a worker bee. you need help with an event, cause, planning, leadership? i'm seriously your girl. (which is why i don't think i'm called to tell my beliefs as much as i am to show them.)
f. i'm a great listener and i empathize well. if you need encouragement, call me.
g. i'm creative as all get out. you need something made? i can do it!
h. i love making my house a home. i love painting it and rearranging it and making a million holes in the wall that i have to patch.  
i. be with my family. i'm at an at-home kinda gal.

so whenever i think i need to be more x, y, and z- i first need to look to scripture and see if it lines up... and if it doesn't, i need to JUST STOP IT. seriously!

what matters the mostest

every now and then i feel the need to really pour my heart out on here. i hope that it's a God thang- and that someone reads what i write and thinks- wow! i needed that. although i equally would not want to presume that anything i write on here is taken too seriously, especially since i just wrote God thang. okay, back to bitness. here's what i wanted to write:

this summer was supposed to be awesome. we were going to do bible study and read and go to the pool and just do "us" stuff. weelllll, it's been a good summer- but last week the Lord hit me with some pretty serious conviction. i was spending time with my boys, but i wasn't "with" them. does that make sense? it seems we were always together- but the playing, heart to heart talking, having fun where i was an active participant? not so much. it breaks my heart to even put that out there.

i've been so busy sewing and keeping my house clean, chatting with my friends, working out and working on projects that as long as they were playing well, i was content. (and let me just say, this summer my boys have learned to play together and i am so very, very thankful for that!!)

i pray so diligently that i would always have a good relationship with my boys. it's my heart cry that they would be teenagers (or older) and still feel confident enough to come to us with the tough issues that they're going to face. i pray that our influence and the Lord working in their hearts would be a greater front in their souls than anything the world would throw at them. and yet, i allowed being busy to come first.

i'm not in anyway saying that i think your attention should be solely focused on your children 24/7. in fact, it's my opinion that if you choose to do so you will create a monster. there should be boundaries on the time i spend with keith that doesn't involve them, and time to myself- even time that i need to do "work" stuff. what i'm talking about is relationship. i think our culture has traded relationship with our kids for buying them stuff and taking them to disney world. if we can spend money on them- they'll be okay.

i read a quote the other day on fb that said (i'm paraphrasing here): the bible says that debt is a curse and children are a blessing, and yet we embrace the curse and deny the blessing. yikes!! it cut me to my core, and keith too. keith and i work so hard to be "stable financially" and give our kids "the best" of everything. where in scripture are we commanded to do so? (i'm not saying we should act like fools with our money either. we need to be wise stewards!!). i think the scripture i keep going back to is, But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you. Matthew 6:24

if we seek Him first then ALL these things shall be added to you.

so, now that i've chased that little rabbit for a while, the Lord has, in His precious way, reminded me that i need to take time with those little boys.  they are my heart. so, i've been putting away projects and reading to collin. snuggling with him and watching miserably horrible cartoons. playing the wii with caleb. "racing" and taking walks around the neighborhood. sweating to death and playing "adventure" with them on the playground. little, simple things that don't seem like much- but my heart feels so much better for it.

we are blessed to be able to give our boys lots of "stuff" (and if we can't give it then the grandparents can. believe me, they only have to hint!!). i am so blessed to have the gift of time with these little guys, Lord keep me from losing sight of that!