happy holidays

i've been really burdened by the events of last week. twice over the weekend i hid in the closet and cried. i honestly haven't kept up with all of the news about newtown because we've been super diligent to keep it away from our boys.  i just think 6 is a little too young to deal with all of that, and i'm thankful that C's school completely agreed with me.

i've read so many debates about the cause of this evil act and "what's to be done" arguments. innocent children being murdered is sadly nothing new in our world. this isn't to take away from what happened in newtown, far from it. evil has always been in our world, and until Jesus comes to create a new heaven and new earth, it will be here.

so what do we as christians do? do we write extensive blog posts and facebook posts with "the answers"? do we picket washington, boycott, pull out of society and live like hermits?

i think i have a different perspective on things because i have people i'm close to who are non-believers. it has honestly rocked my "christian" world a little bit. no, actually a lot when i realized that someone who i love felt they had no place in christian culture, especially after growing up in it. it changed things for me. i couldn't see church the same way. how we dressed, talked, worshipped- it all looked different to me through this person's perspective. before it felt very "we are living right and you are very wrong" when people outside my immediate circle didn't live for Jesus. now it feels very "oh dear Lord, give me eyes to see how they see. help me make good choices so that they see You."

when i read things christians write it oftentimes sounds so angry. so judgemental and hard. i read it how i think this dear person might and it hurts. it wounds and cuts and bleeds. sometimes i guess it should, but i see christians battle it out over things that truly DO NOT MATTER and it makes me so angry. i can understand why more do not come to church. i understand why they think God is some big angry man with a beard who lives to reach out a bony finger and smite us, because that's what we show them. we are the big dang angry bony finger, smiting everyone who doesn't live inside our culture.

i guess that's why i entitled this post, "happy holidays". it's become such a no-no for so many christians. my mom said the other day, "you know, when i was a kid people said 'happy holidays' all the time and all it meant was merry christmas and happy new year". well it doesn't mean that anymore and you'd better smite anybody who says it. (i'm smiling as i write this. really! i'm being funny. a little sarcastic, but i can't help that.)

Jesus won the battle. He's already paid it, done it, fought it, won it all- for eternity. we don't have to fight over a holiday we made up. let's LIVE it. let's show love, help our neighbors. speak for those who can't speak for themselves- only let's just don't speak- let's act and move. this is my hearts cry, that people would SHUT UP already and love on others. i think that's our problem- everybody knows exactly what we're against, but nobody knows what we're for. actions speak louder than words. let's live this thing. we don't even have to post a picture on facebook and tell people we did it. (sarcasm again, i'm sorry.)

i'm not anywhere near where i want to be on this, but i'm convicted and broken and trying.

i can't take credit for finding this scripture- i actually saw it on another blog. however, the thoughts posted above are all mine.

You yourselves have been taught by God to love one another, for that is what you are doing... But we urge you brothers to do this more and more, and to aspire to live quietly, and to mind your own affairs, and to work with your hands, as we instructed you, so that you may walk properly among others. 1 Thessalonians 4:9b-12a

i'm heading down to the basement

y'all, seriously- i know that some people love debate and thrive on posting their political/religious/whatever beliefs on social media and that is absolutely their right- but it makes my head and stomach hurt. i know how i feel when someone posts/tweets (i'm not on twitter, fb is too much for me most days!) something derogatory about my God, my state, my team, my lifestyle- it hurts. i can't help but wonder about my friends who are living a lifestyle different from me, if they are hurt.  if what we as christians write make them want to get to know Jesus more. if we aren't drawing a line in the sand and saying, "i'm over here and you're over there because you're gay/agnostic/liberal/inter-racially married." how do they ever cross that line? until they become like us? 

there's even lines within the christian groups about "movies (no, i didn't see magic mike.), tv, working/staying home, homeschool/christian private school/and poor socially backwards and uneducated public school kids who will never be good christian members of society (eye roll), where we eat, what we buy, who we are friends with, what denomination we're a part of"- this list could go on and on. 

there is complete truth in the Bible. i'm clinging to it and believing that every scripture is from the Lord-  absolutely and without a doubt. there is mercy and grace and judgement and power and healing and more things than i can name wrapped up in scripture than i can write here.  i'm just not fully sold on the way to inspire others to seek truth for themselves is through social media. i'm assuming if you're reading here you want to hear what i have to say, nobody's forcing you. actually, you had to seek me out.

and i'm not really saying we shouldn't speak our point of view- we just need to do it in LOVE people. we need to think about the impact of what we write and other's feelings. we don't need to be a stumbling block to non-believers because we're so caught up in being right. i'm SO very guilty of this. i fall captive to this need over and over again (just ask my husband!)

and so, now that you've read this essay, here's another one that does a better job about what i'm trying to say.

http://jenhatmaker.com/blog/2012/07/27/in-the-basement

my favorite quote from the article:

"The lines we draw in the sand do absolutely nothing except assure everyone else: YOU’RE OUT." ~Jenn Hatmaker.

my thoughts exactly.

do i think christians should speak their beliefs? absolutely. but i don't believe we change hearts that way. we change hearts through kindness, generosity, mercy, love, prayer- investing in relationships with people the way that Jesus did.

http://www.perrynoble.com/2012/08/01/ben-jerrys-chic-fil-a-political-correctness/

just stop it.

last night i went to my first PTO board meeting for the year. the leaders have our school's PTO down to an art, so much so that they just need people to work on what's already set in place. like everything at c's school- nothing is done on a small scale. everything is BIG and to the max. i love that. it's one of the reasons i loved teaching at c's school back in the day- i felt appreciated. (which is the reason i asked to be on the teacher appreciation committee.)

anyway, i went with my dear friend jennifer- and she told me on the way home that she was so thankful i suggested riding together because she hated walking in to meetings and things like that by herself. i do too! her quote was, "i always think everybody there is going to be best friends and i'm going to be sitting in the corner by myself". yep, me too!

well, i can tell you now that i knew or had recently met at least 3/4 of the ladies there, so it would've been fine. but it got me to thinking about how much i think about what other folks think about little ole me.

God created me to be me! He didn't make to do what others do. so whenever i feel myself comparing me to anyone else- i have to stop and think about what God created me for. what my purpose is. here's a list of things that God did not create me for (apparently):

a. gardening my own vegetables
b. homeschooling
c. being early
d. being a morning person
e. being bold about my political views on facebook (can't do it. it ain't worth the stress that i would go through.)
f. dealing with other people's drama (unless it's legit. y'all know what i mean, right?)
g. keeping a perfectly neat home (we're not dirty, but we fo sho can be messy!)
h. cooking elaborate meals (hate it!)
i. to be unorganized. i hate disorganization.

i'm not saying that the Lord couldn't convict me to change some of the above. He may. but i think that's the difference- we think that someone else's convictions and how God created them to be is how we're supposed to be. or we think people are supposed to be like us and if they're not, they're somehow sinning. i'm learning more and more to listen to God's leading and not people's leading. if it's from Him, it will bear much fruit. if it's not, it'll turn into a burden and a big fat mess.

God created me to:
a. raise my boys to be godly men with integrity
b. be a night person
c. enjoy little boys and think they're the coolest things ever.
d. be a teacher
e. be a worker bee. you need help with an event, cause, planning, leadership? i'm seriously your girl. (which is why i don't think i'm called to tell my beliefs as much as i am to show them.)
f. i'm a great listener and i empathize well. if you need encouragement, call me.
g. i'm creative as all get out. you need something made? i can do it!
h. i love making my house a home. i love painting it and rearranging it and making a million holes in the wall that i have to patch.  
i. be with my family. i'm at an at-home kinda gal.

so whenever i think i need to be more x, y, and z- i first need to look to scripture and see if it lines up... and if it doesn't, i need to JUST STOP IT. seriously!

what matters the mostest

every now and then i feel the need to really pour my heart out on here. i hope that it's a God thang- and that someone reads what i write and thinks- wow! i needed that. although i equally would not want to presume that anything i write on here is taken too seriously, especially since i just wrote God thang. okay, back to bitness. here's what i wanted to write:

this summer was supposed to be awesome. we were going to do bible study and read and go to the pool and just do "us" stuff. weelllll, it's been a good summer- but last week the Lord hit me with some pretty serious conviction. i was spending time with my boys, but i wasn't "with" them. does that make sense? it seems we were always together- but the playing, heart to heart talking, having fun where i was an active participant? not so much. it breaks my heart to even put that out there.

i've been so busy sewing and keeping my house clean, chatting with my friends, working out and working on projects that as long as they were playing well, i was content. (and let me just say, this summer my boys have learned to play together and i am so very, very thankful for that!!)

i pray so diligently that i would always have a good relationship with my boys. it's my heart cry that they would be teenagers (or older) and still feel confident enough to come to us with the tough issues that they're going to face. i pray that our influence and the Lord working in their hearts would be a greater front in their souls than anything the world would throw at them. and yet, i allowed being busy to come first.

i'm not in anyway saying that i think your attention should be solely focused on your children 24/7. in fact, it's my opinion that if you choose to do so you will create a monster. there should be boundaries on the time i spend with keith that doesn't involve them, and time to myself- even time that i need to do "work" stuff. what i'm talking about is relationship. i think our culture has traded relationship with our kids for buying them stuff and taking them to disney world. if we can spend money on them- they'll be okay.

i read a quote the other day on fb that said (i'm paraphrasing here): the bible says that debt is a curse and children are a blessing, and yet we embrace the curse and deny the blessing. yikes!! it cut me to my core, and keith too. keith and i work so hard to be "stable financially" and give our kids "the best" of everything. where in scripture are we commanded to do so? (i'm not saying we should act like fools with our money either. we need to be wise stewards!!). i think the scripture i keep going back to is, But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you. Matthew 6:24

if we seek Him first then ALL these things shall be added to you.

so, now that i've chased that little rabbit for a while, the Lord has, in His precious way, reminded me that i need to take time with those little boys.  they are my heart. so, i've been putting away projects and reading to collin. snuggling with him and watching miserably horrible cartoons. playing the wii with caleb. "racing" and taking walks around the neighborhood. sweating to death and playing "adventure" with them on the playground. little, simple things that don't seem like much- but my heart feels so much better for it.

we are blessed to be able to give our boys lots of "stuff" (and if we can't give it then the grandparents can. believe me, they only have to hint!!). i am so blessed to have the gift of time with these little guys, Lord keep me from losing sight of that!

Change My Heart O God.

By this we know love, because He laid down His life for us. And we also ought to lay down our lives for the brethren. But whoever has this world’s goods, and sees his brother in need, and shuts up his heart from him, how does the love of God abide in him? My little children, let us not love in word or in tongue, but in deed and in truth.

1 John 3:16-18

I have the world's goods. Do I have the love of God abiding in me?

hard teachings

recently, i came across a blog that i loved. it was beautifully written, and it spoke right to my "mama heart". i was all ready to add it to my list and tell you all about it- and then i read a post that changed everything. basically, this author said that you can choose what you want to believe about christianity. it's up to us to use our heads and figure out what makes sense for "us" from the bible- eliminating what doesn't.
the more i visit blogland- i'm finding that i'm safer sticking to my own little backyard, or my church and like-minded friends if you will. i'm ALL for iron sharpening iron, hearing a fresh perspective and being convicted about a false belief- but it must line up with all of scripture. it's so disheartening to see people find a way to justify how they want to live through twisting scripture. i mean, let's face it- you can find a book or an article justifying everything from not tithing to adultery if you choose.
God's ways are not our ways friends, what He asks of us may not make sense and may even be painful at times. jmom at lotsofscotts wrote a post that sums up exactly how i feel on this issue:
http://lotsofscotts.blogspot.com/2012/01/cafeteria-style-faith.html

not really resolutions

if there's anything i've learned in almost 6 years of being a mama, it ain't easy. oh, we airbrush it and make it look all shiny and happy on facebook and our blogs- but if we were to be truthful, some days there'd be about 5% shiny and about 95% cra- well, you know what i mean :)

out of everything i've ever done, i want to do this mama thing right. i've said before i hate new year's resolutions (even though i tend to make them anyway), but this year the Lord gave me a verse to focus on as my "resolution" if you will.

Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. Deuteronomy 6:5

i figure if i get that part right, then the rest will fall into place.

one of the ways that i've been working on this is having a consistent time when i read my bible and pray. i know, you're thinking haven't you been doing that all along mrs. spoutschristianitywhenevericanonthisblog? no, not really. i'm bad about it. sometimes the only thing i'm consisent about is my inconsistency. (i think beth moore said that!)

well, anyway, i've been really gettin' after it the last few weeks. i follow the one year bible plan, but i do it in my own tried and true trusty bible that keith gave me on our wedding day. (awww, i know, isn't that the sweetest?? he even had my new name put on it). the reason being is i like seeing old notes and stuff i've highlighted and promises written in the margins. on the suggestion of jean stockdale i bought me some colored pencils and i color code verses as i read them: green for things i pray for my kids (because they're growing), purple for my relationship with Jesus, yellow for things concerning my marriage, black for sin, etc.
after i've read through with my colored pencils (it's so stinkin' fun. maybe that's the teacher in me? i love them.) i write things that jumped out in my prayer journal as my prayer requests. as always, i tend to really focus on things that make me a better mom, or things that i want to sow in my boys' hearts.

i want to parent in a way that 1) God's Word backs up and 2) works for my family. i want to truly be intentional about the way that i teach my children, not just do things because my parents did it that way, or because my friends think it's best or even just following traditional parenting wisdom. so far, i've been good and bad at this. that's okay though- because parenting is a marathon and not a sprint. there have been countless times when i've singled out a "problem" area in one of my kids' lives that really needed focus only to find that neither advice, books or traditional parenting wisdom worked in that area- at least not immediately anyway. what i found was that it took a lot of time, effort, prayer and consistency to see any growth in that area, and sometimes it took over a year to see even that. my kids are just like me- there aren't any quick fixes. (thank You Jesus that You don't give up easily).

here are some things that i really want to be intentional about in the coming year:

1. i want to do more date nights with my husband. the Lord is pretty clear in this area, He says to focus on our husbands first. i don't even have an excuse! i can pay $10 every other month, leave my kids at church (which they have a blast because all of their friends are there) and go out to eat or to target or whatever for 2-3 hours with my man. here's where the rub comes: my mind says to focus on my kiddos first. they need me more. i'm neglecting them if i leave them. they spend enough time away from me... y'all know what i'm saying. but God's not wrong in any area and He said my kids and my marriage would be better for it. TWICE i've paid the $10 and we've not gone because of my stinkin' guilt. ridiculous.

2. i want kids who do not have a sense of "entitlement", or who are not grateful for things. i want boys who honor their father and their mother. i think for me this means telling them "no" even when i want to say "yes".(and i almost always want to say yes!) again, traditional wisdom says give them the moon so that they feel loved and secure. the bible tells our children to "Honor your father and your mother, as the LORD your God has commanded you, so that you may live long and that it may go well with you in the land the LORD your God is giving you." Deut. 5:16 basically, they're not going to prosper if they don't honor us.

3. i need to stop being a helicopter parent. this includes letting them fight with each other, play (especially outside) without me hovering, and finally- to let caleb fight his own battles at school (not that there have actually been any battles or anything that i've stepped in about, but i do know it's probably coming).

4. we need to be better about having a family bible study time. we've done it once or twice, had a ball, but haven't been consistent about it.

5. i want to teach my boys to be compassionate to others. before christmas keith's company owner gave our boys $100 to do something for someone else. we decided to use that money to donate items to a local ministry in downtown jackson. first, caleb and i made a list of all the things that someone might need if they were homeless. seriously, he could not even begin to wrap his little brain around someone not having a home, kids without parents, or someone not having food. when we visited the ministry his eyes were as big as saucers- especially over the food pantry in the family's basement. i want boys who are willing to reach out to not only people who don't live or look like them, but to the kid in their class who's weird, or smells bad, or who doesn't have a friend. how i'm going to teach this, i don't know. but i am going to be intentionally praying for this and for ways to reach out into our community. and better yet, i don't just want to do a bunch of talking like i've been doing- i want to DO stuff about it.

loving the Lord with all my heart. intentional. running this race with consistency. these are my "resolutions".

monday provider

last night i was having a bit of a hard time getting caleb's things ready for school the next day. even though i rarely have to be anywhere in the mornings i still lay out all of his clothes, get his snack ready, and lunch packed so that it's all done in the morning. problem was we were down to the bottom of a bag of tortilla chips, a little stale cereal and some apples- not to mention few clean shirts and a questionably clean pair of blue jeans. pretty pitiful for this somewhat perfectionist mom. i managed to get it together enough for him to have a snack and a good okay lunch. if this hadn't of been the case though, i would have gone to the store at midnight if need be and stayed up forever washing clothes. it's just what mom's do, right?

it made me think this morning in the drop off line about all the sweet babies who won't come to school in clean or appropriate clothes. their backpacks will be empty of carefully filled out forms and snacks- lunch might be the only meal they get that day. i encountered plenty of these kids when i taught school. i know there may be one or two in c's class this year.

the thing is, caleb knows without a doubt that i will always make sure he has everything he needs. he doesn't have to stress about whether his field trip forms are filled out or whether he can go to the popsicle party because he turned in 26 box tops (my friends are smirking here... i was a wee bit stressed when i realized how important those little rectangles were. if you're planning to send your child to RES then save those jokers!!). he knows that his mama will take care of it. whatever he needs, i am quick to provide it before he even asks in many cases.

i'm not in any way equating myself with God the provider, but to caleb i'm a model of how God acts and what He does. he doesn't worry because he knows i will do everything in my power to make sure he is fed, clothed, loved, taught- anything he needs. i think about those sweet babies who don't know where their next meal is coming from and i wonder if people who don't know Christ feel the same way. because they don't know Him, they don't know that He will move heaven and earth to come through for them. they have no assurance that there's a great plan for their life, and whatever they have to suffer through here on earth, God will make it up to them manifold in Heaven. they're like those little kids, who all they know is that it's up to them to make it. i can't imagine what pressure that must be- and how hard and sad as well.

my thoughts went from checking with C's teacher to see if there are needs i can meet in his class- to needs of the lost people in my community. how can i help them see that there's a Provider who owns everything and is willing to adopt them, die for them- give them all He has, with nothing in return but their love?

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead. 1 Peter 1:3

here's your sign.

seriously people, if worrying about somebody could make their lives perfect then my children would be GOLDEN. i try reallyreallyreally hard not to, but i make myself miserable anyway. i've decided that i'm no longer bragging sharing the good things about my life because it always seems that i am tested in that area whenever i do. like keith and i never ever talk about how much we love our marriage and how happy we are to each other because i can guarandangtee you that we will be in a throw-down in like 24 hours.

my confident little 5 year old lets everything roll off his back like water. i'm amazed continually by him. his belief systerm is: i'm good enough, i'm smart enough, and doggonit- people like me (ha! name that quote. no but seriously, he really does think this way.) i'm so quick to worry for him- get my feelings hurt for him, get in a tizzy on his behalf when he's oblivious. and when he doesn't need me too!

our pastor shared tonight that God has a plan in everything. there's not just good and bad in our lives because that's the way things are- it's all ordained by Him. i have to trust His plan for my little people. He is sovereign, and when He allows things in our life, it's because we either have unresolved sin- or He has a bigger plan and sometimes that involves the s- word (and that would be suffering). God keeps showing it to me over and over. Trust Him, follow Him- give it all to Him. it's hard when the "it" is my heart- meaning my children. worry, it's like driving your car by honking your horn. and there's my sign.

young

so now that my big boy has started the big K- i've been thinking about kids and evangelism. is there such a thing? obviously there is something to do with kids- we had three youth boys baptized at chuch sunday night. (just as a side note, do y'all cry during baptisms or is it just me? sometimes they'll baptize a husband and wife together and that makes me sob a little.) really though, does the kingdom of God use children mightily? can He use them like he uses adults? and the big question- does scripture back it up?

i've been pondering this for a few days and last night our pastor preached on the book of daniel and about his character. basically, daniel was taken from his family as a young teenager to a totally pagan land where he was to be indoctrinated into their beliefs (umm, some folks would totally compare this to sending your child to public school... just sayin') yet daniel, through fire, lions, and other tests, stayed strong to what he "purposed in his heart". (daniel 1:8)

and then i started to think about other kids in the bible who God used. there was miriam- who protected her brother moses, king david- who became king as a boy although saul fought him for it like forever, joseph who was sold into slavery as a boy and then saved God's people from starvation, king josiah- who became a king at what, like age 8?.. there may be more, but my point is that scripture shows that children can be used in the kingdom of God and pretty amazingly at that.

and what comforts my soul is that it doesn't go on and on in the history of these kids about how their parents poured their lives into teaching them about God. (poor old josiah had down-right heathen parents and look how he turned out!)while i am sure that these children were taught about God by their families (and scripture lays it out where we are absolutely supposed to!!)... you know who gets all the glory for their faithfulness to the Lord? God does. He is the one accredited for their righteousness. this comforts me because i screw up all the time as a parent. and while i do believe the Lord expects me to do my very best at this task He has so clearly laid before me, i will not be the reason my children are saved. the Holy Spirit drawing them will be the reason that they are saved. will i save them lots of wasted time and heartache by teaching them about the Lord at an early age? absolutely. however God gets the glory for my little men when they serve him. i pray with all my heart that the older they become they will purpose in their hearts to follow the Lord unfailingly like daniel, run from sin like joseph, have faith like miriam, seek Him like david, and bring about salvation like josiah. just small things for the Lord to accomplish :)

Don’t let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith and in purity.
1 Timothy 4:12

motherhood as a missionfield

for my friends.... who, like me, wonder if we're making a difference

MOTHERHOOD AS A MISSION FIELD
by: Rachel Jankovic at desiringgod.org

As someone once said, “Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to help Mom with the dishes.” When you are a mother at home with your children, the church is not clamoring for monthly ministry updates. When you talk to other believers, there is not any kind of awe about what you are sacrificing for the gospel. People are not pressing you for needs you might have, how they can pray for you. It does not feel intriguing, or glamorous. Your work is normal, because it is as close to home as you can possibly be. You have actually gone so far as to become home.

If you are a Christian woman who loves the Lord, the gospel is important to you. It is easy to become discouraged, thinking that the work you are doing does not matter much. If you were really doing something for Christ you would be out there, somewhere else, doing it. Even if you have a great perspective on your role in the kingdom, it is easy to lose sight of it in the mismatched socks, in the morning sickness, in the dirty dishes. It is easy to confuse intrigue with value, and begin viewing yourself as the least valuable part of the Church.

There are a number of ways in which mothers need to study their own roles, and begin to see them, not as boring and inconsequential, but as home, the headwaters of missions.

At the very heart of the gospel is sacrifice, and there is perhaps no occupation in the world so intrinsically sacrificial as motherhood. Motherhood is a wonderful opportunity to live the gospel. Jim Elliot famously said, “He is no fool who gives up that which he cannot keep to gain that which he cannot lose.” Motherhood provides you with an opportunity to lay down the things that you cannot keep on behalf of the people that you cannot lose. They are eternal souls, they are your children, they are your mission field.

If you are like me, then you may be thinking “What did I ever give up for them? A desk job? Time at the gym? Extra spending money? My twenty- year- old figure? Some sleep?” Doesn’t seem like much when you put it next to the work of some of the great missionaries, people who gave their lives for the gospel.

Think about the feeding of the five thousand when the disciples went out and rounded up the food that was available. It wasn’t much. Some loaves. Some fish. Think of some woman pulling her fish out and handing it to one of the disciples. That had to have felt like a small offering. But the important thing about those loaves and those fishes was not how big they were when they were given, it was about whose hands they were given into. In the hands of the Lord, that offering was sufficient. It was more than sufficient. There were leftovers. Given in faith, even a small offering becomes great.

Look at your children in faith, and see how many people will be ministered to by your ministering to them. How many people will your children know in their lives? How many grandchildren are represented in the faces around your table now?

So, if mothers are strategically situated to impact missions so greatly, why do we see so little coming from it? I think the answer to this is quite simple: sin. Discontent, pettiness, selfishness, resentment. Christians often feel like the right thing to do is to be ashamed about what we have. We hear that quote of Jim Elliot’s and think that we ought to sell our homes and move to some place where they need the gospel.

But I’d like to challenge you to look at it differently. Giving up what you cannot keep does not mean giving up your home, or your job so you can go serve somewhere else. It is giving up yourself. Lay yourself down. Sacrifice yourself here, now. Cheerfully wipe the nose for the fiftieth time today. Make dinner again for the people who don’t like the green beans. Laugh when your plans are thwarted by a vomiting child. Lay yourself down for the people here with you, the people who annoy you, the people who get in your way, the people who take up so much of your time that you can’t read anymore. Rejoice in them. Sacrifice for them. Gain that which you cannot lose in them.

It is easy to think you have a heart for orphans on the other side of the world, but if you spend your time at home resenting the imposition your children are on you, you do not. You cannot have a heart for the gospel and a fussiness about your life at the same time. You will never make any difference there if you cannot be at peace here. You cannot have a heart for missions, but not for the people around you. A true love of the gospel overflows and overpowers. It will be in everything you do, however drab, however simple, however repetitive.

God loves the little offerings. Given in faith, that plate of PB&J’s will feed thousands. Given in faith, those presents on Christmas morning will bring delight to more children than you can count. Offered with thankfulness, your work at home is only the beginning. Your laundry pile, selflessly tackled daily, will be used in the hands of God to clothe many. Do not think that your work does not matter. In God’s hands, it will be broken, and broken, and broken again, until all who have need of it have eaten and are satisfied. And even then, there will be leftovers.

oh ye of little faith

Matthew 14:23-33
Later that night, he was there alone, 24 and the boat was already a considerable distance from land, buffeted by the waves because the wind was against it.

25 Shortly before dawn Jesus went out to them, walking on the lake. 26 When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified. “It’s a ghost,” they said, and cried out in fear.

27 But Jesus immediately said to them: “Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.”

28 “Lord, if it’s you,” Peter replied, “tell me to come to you on the water.”

29 “Come,” he said.

Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. 30 But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!”

31 Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?”

32 And when they climbed into the boat, the wind died down. 33 Then those who were in the boat worshiped him, saying, “Truly you are the Son of God.”

I read this in my quiet time the other day and pondered the "doubting" Peter. How many times do I doubt Jesus? Truthfully, I'd have to say quite a bit.

I've heard entire sermons on how Peter sank because of His doubt. I've also heard how you can't have faith to walk on the water unless Jesus calls you into the water. I'm not trying to disprove either of those, but the sermons mostly focused on our lack of belief. I wanted to share something different that stuck out at me when I read this on Monday:

Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. 30 But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!”

31 Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?”

Yeah, Peter was a big ole doubter. I don't think Jesus was necessarily rebuking him here though. Look at how it says when Peter began to sink Jesus immediately caught him. He didn't say, "You big ole doubter. Now you have to sink to the bottom of the ocean and struggle around and then I'll come save you." or, "Well, I'm tired of your doubting. This is it for you!"

It's almost like in my mind I can hear Jesus saying compassionately, "why did you doubt?" Almost like when Caleb can't find me and he becomes frantic and I say, "Buddy, I would never leave you. Why would you think that?"

My reasoning for this is because of the "immediate" factor. Jesus took pity on Peter and grabbed him up as soon as He began to sink/doubt. The argument can be made that we must trust and keep our eyes on Jesus- that's huge, but we must also remember that we serve a compassionate God who knows that we're going to doubt, who knows that we're going to waver. He's always there to catch us up and keep us from drowning, even in our disbelief.

I'm not sure about y'all, but sometimes I need God to scoop me up and love on me when I've lost hope. I'm glad that although sometimes I might lose sight of Him, He never does me.

one thing

one of my favorite places to read is Lots of Scotts. each night the author (JMom) blogs about her life while knitting it all together with scripture in a way that always speaks to me. love that. yesterday her post was on sharing one thing that she wanted to remember about that day. i'm not sure i could physically find the time to blog each and every day, but i do like the idea of using this space to journal my thoughts, although i could never do it as eloquently as JMom.

anyway, if i had one thought for the day it would be what a friend at church encouraged me with. she said (paraphrasing) that we look at the future like it's happening right now. life is meant to be lived in small bits and moments- not huge chunks. when i make a mistake, 'fess it up and move on. when i'm in the middle of a hard place, ask for grace and remember that my Savior knows exactly what i'm going through and He will use it for His glory. when i desperately need something, consider it provided and live like i believe it.

i'm throwing this stuff out there like it's easy or something, when in my reality it's not.

however, i believe that if i began to fix my heart on eternity rather than the many traps i fall into here on earth, i could began to look at things for what they truly are. the more i deliberately start living my life like it starts in heaven, the less i will feel tied down by my circumstances.

John 6: 27 "Do not work for food that spoils, but for food that endures to eternal life, which the Son of Man will give you. For on him God the Father has placed his seal of approval.”

John 12:25 "Anyone who loves their life will lose it, while anyone who hates their life in this world will keep it for eternal life"

Romans 2: 7 "To those who by persistence in doing good seek glory, honor and immortality, he will give eternal life."

2 Corinthians 4:17- 18 "For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."

Matthew 6:19-20 "Do not store up for yourselves treasures on Earth, where moth and rust destroy, where thieves break in and steal. For where you treasure is, there your heart will also be."

let the little children come

my new night-time routine includes reading my beloved kindle in bed. while keith is snoozing away i'm usually deep into a book using my faithful little booklight so i don't wake him. i LOVE to read and this has been a great little end to my day. a little "me time".

now that i have a kindle my fellow kindle users will often text me what free books are good or something they just read that was great. this book was recommended a few times but didn't really spark my interest: Heaven is for Real, A little boy's astounding trip to heaven and back

last night the only thing i can tell you is that i felt "led" to buy it. it was a whopping $6.13 and though i hesitated i decided that little amount wouldn't break me.

i am so thankful that i did. y'all, i read the book in like 40 minutes cover to cover. it's a pretty short book and i'm a supa fast reader, but really- it just drew me in and kept me. the book is written by a pastor named Todd Burpo, who's son had to have some emergency surgery. they don't claim that the little boy died during the surgery, but that he visited heaven while he was in surgery (if you don't think this could happen- read revelation. it's all about the apostle john's visit to heaven while he's still "alive"). y'all, it's just an unbelievably good book.

one of the things that struck me, and the author too- is how colton (the little boy who went to heaven) came back talking about how much Jesus loves little children. apparently colton went through a phase where he told his parents this over and over. it changed the way his pastor dad did church. his mom felt led to let go of singing on the worship team to focus on their children's ministry.

it got me to thinking- what if rather than churches focusing all of their attention on adults- and instead began focusing on the children/youth in their care? what if before adults became sad, messed up, addicted, hurt, totally distracted by life people we taught them when they were little about Jesus loving them passionately. (and i know sunday school classes are meant to do this, i'm thinking about children's ministry as a whole. somethin' kinda radical actually.)

what if instead of pouring all or the majority of our time, money and energy into adult ministries we focused on our children? i wonder if in God's upside down economy- where the least are the greatest- if God would structure our churches the way that we do. this is not meant to be a criticism of my or any other church but really more me thinking out loud.

in order for this upside-down economy to take place we'd have to have churches who were filled to the brim with people who felt as passionately as Jesus does about children/youth. not just our own kids, but others as well. i know that everyone in the church has a job, a talent, something God has equipped them for, but i also wonder if we're doing our "best" if we don't support our children's ministries in some way too. just thinkin' anyway.

¹³ People were bringing little children to Jesus for him to place his hands on them, but the disciples rebuked them. ¹⁴ When Jesus saw this, he was indignant. He said to them, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. ¹⁵ Truly I tell you, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it.” ¹⁶ And he took the children in his arms, placed his hands on them and blessed them. Mark 10:13-16

Emmanuel

i know that i need to share christmas pictures- and i will. i wanted to share some thoughts with y'all tonight, if nothing else than to... well, share.

two friends of mine are walking through some hard things. one recently delivered a stillborn baby girl at 20 weeks, and the other unexpectedly lost her 29 year old younger brother yesterday afternoon. i've had the chance to talk to both a little about their experiences, and in my trying to comfort and say the "right" thing, i've been amazed at how they've blessed me with their faith.

little confession: i am a worry wart. i'm constantly having to lift things up to the Lord and then beg Him for forgiveness for snatching it right back (can i get a witness?). i basically take one small situation and decide that the worst possible outcome is my destiny/doom (and no, i'm not really exaggerating a whole lot!). my poor mind is like a bulldog, once it gets a hold of something it doesn't easily let go. when i think of these things i can't seem to easily find a solution- it's almost like if i worry enough about it can't possibly happen. i've often wondered how people get through awful things. how do they survive them and go about their life? better yet, how do they continue to love and serve the Lord without anger, bitterness, or devastating sadness?

in talking to my two friends there is one comment element they both expressed: God was with them. He comforted them, spoke to them, lifted them up and gave them strength. both expressed feelings of joy- yes, i said JOY in their extreme sorrow. the joy came from Him alone. i can honestly say i've experienced this before in my own loss- but i needed to hear it now, today. i needed to remember that if/when i have to walk through the fire HE WILL walk with me. HE WILL give me courage, and in the midst of it all I WILL experience joy that can only come from Him.

since my mind is so fresh from christmas gifts and celebrations- it brought me to think about the greatest gift ever given for all eternity. His name: Emmanuel- meaning God with us.

Isaiah 61:1-3

The spirit of the sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives, and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the Lord's favor and the day of vengeance for our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for all those who grieve in Zion- to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord to show his splendor.

Amen!

not looking back

57 As they were walking along the road, a man said to him, “I will follow you wherever you go.”
58 Jesus replied, “Foxes have dens and birds have nests, but the Son of Man has no place to lay his head.”
59 He said to another man, “Follow me.”
But he replied, “Lord, first let me go and bury my father.”
60 Jesus said to him, “Let the dead bury their own dead, but you go and proclaim the kingdom of God.”
61 Still another said, “I will follow you, Lord; but first let me go back and say goodbye to my family.”
62 Jesus replied, “No one who puts a hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God.”
Luke 9:57-62

i've always read this passage and wondered about what Jesus meant. i'd think- so i must leave all i love and just go? with no goodbye, no concern for my family? i'm to be homeless? and while i'm sure that in some circumstances Jesus might have meant exactly these things- i had no clue what He meant for me in my life.

last week i got a letter in the mail- most people might consider it "junk" mail, but i read it and pondered on it for a few days, it really hit me hard. let me back up a little.

there's a little jewerly store here in town that i've always gone to- keith actually bought my wedding rings there and most of the jewelry that he's purchased for me too. the owner, grayson, is a great guy, and we enjoyed getting to know him when we stopped by the store for new watch batteries or whatever. his dad worked in the back, and often he would come out for one reason or another wearing super thick magnifying glasses. i'm not even sure he knew they were there- which made it hard to keep a straight face when you were talking with him. grayson and his wife karen began attending our church, and later karen and i went to bible study together.

a few years ago grayson felt like God told him to buy some purses. (yep, purses and jewelry- i'm sure he's a fun guy to get gifts from :) he obeyed, and then those purses sat in his garage for awhile until karen told him that she was sick of looking at them and he'd better start selling those jokers. so, he did. he pondered what to do with the money, and then started using it to send missionaries around the world. eventually, God told grayson that he and karen needed to be missionaries as well. they sold everything they owned and moved across the world to asia to immerse themselves in another culture and share Christ with non-believers.

i've never known anyone who was just a normal, average family that suddenly just up and moved to be missionaries. i got to know karen well enough to know that at times she was terrified, and seriously questioned whether she wanted to go through with it at all. (i'm glad to know that people who move across the world are just regular christians like me, but God makes it clear to them they need to go, and He gives them the strength to be obedient. it kind of takes a load off of my mind- ya know?)

she, grayson, and callie- their four year old- have been living in asia for almost a year now, if not a little longer. we get regular updates by mail, and you can see the passion they have for people pouring out of their letters.

now, back to the "junk" mail. i told you grayson owned a jewelry store, and i'd mentioned his dad. the letter i recieved was from the current owner- the man that grayson sold the store to when he left. i actually wasn't sure if he'd sold it or just turned it over to someone else to run it, but the letter stated that the store was going out of business because the current owner just didn't have the heart to run it anymore, he was better at being a lawyer.

he explained that the business had been started by grayson's grandfather in 1932. 1932. it was an old family business passed down to grayson.
what must that have been like for grayson? to leave a family business that had been there for over 80 years. how did his family feel? obviously, grayson had gotten the, "no one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God." he didn't look back, he gave it all to Christ.

being the sentimental gal that i am i have a hard time imagining letting go of my old baby dolls (yes, they're still at my mom's house) much less a family trade. wow. in my mind those passages i'd struggled with finally came to life. it also helped me with the knowledge that while it might not be easy, God has given each and every one of us who are believers the ability to put our hand to the plow and not look back. know how i know?

His divine power has given us everything we need for a godly life through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness. 2 Peter 1:3

He's already given us everything we need for a godly life- we just have to have knowledge of Him. God keeps bringing me back to the same thing i struggle with all. the. time- relationship with Him.

anyway, i hope this sheds a little light on those verses, sometimes it helps me to hear a real live person's testimony about something rather than just some commentary i read in a book. i pray it helps y'all too :)

all about the new job :)

I’ve been kind of alluding to change (or the coming of change) for a while in my writing on here, and I’m ready to share with you our little journey. It’s been interesting to say the least. I’m sharing our testimony with you not to brag on us (well, on Keith a little anyway) but to show you how faithful God is. If I’m going to brag on anybody, it’ll be Him.

Almost six years ago Keith had a dream one night. In it, he heard the “address” of a verse: 2 Chronicles 2:8, which says: Send me also cedar, pine and algum logs from Lebanon, for I know that your men are skilled in cutting timber there. My men will work with yours (9) to provide me with plenty of lumber, because the temple I build must be large and magnificent.

If you know anything about Keith, you know that he’s a forester, or at least that’s what his degree is in. He does internet marketing for a forestry supplies company, and also does forestry work on the side. That, and he’s just an outdoorsy kinda guy. This verse was just so, him.

After the dream and the verse, Keith did a lot of praying and finally decided that he needed to go back to school to get his MBA. You might be asking at this point, “Ummm…D, how exactly did that verse lead him to understand he needed to go back to school?” Well, the details on that are kinda sketchy to me at this point, not because they were sketchy but because I just can’t remember exactly why. But I promise- the verse is crucial to this story.

So Keith goes to school, gets an MBA, gets a promotion at work, I quit my job and we have little Cdawg. It’s at this point when I feel like God is telling me that there’s more for us than what I can see. That he has something so special for Keith, and it’s more than likely going to involve ministry. I wasn’t thinking like preachin’ or anything, but I certainly wasn’t ruling it out.

I think God tells me things about Keith ahead of time so that I can be praying for him and lifting him up, but in this instance I chose to continually push Keith in the direction I thought he needed to go. As you can imagine, all I succeeded in doing was making my man miserable at times (He does thank me now, because he says he might have needed a little pushin‘). I had good intentions, but Keith is 1) a thinker, he has to consider all options 2) very loyal 3) resistant to change 4) determined to seek the Lord on all decisions before jumping out in faith. I love all of these things about him, but I just saw them as road blocks in my master plan of making God’s plan work in my time. (This makes me think about Sarah trying to “help” God give her and Abraham a son. If you’re confused about this, just start in Genesis 17 and keep going.)

I can’t exactly pinpoint when it began, but I believe God began to stir up a restlessness in Keith’s heart when it came to his job, his ministry- his life. He just wanted more. He began to pray for some specific things:
Courage to step out and do something different.
To never be complacent, or unwilling to change.
To have a spiritual mentor
A business to oversee (and a mentor to help him).
A place where he could dovetail his job and his ministry work (I’ll have to tell you about all that later).
A place where he could use any money, assets or time at work as the Lord saw fit.
A job that would not require us to lose family time.
And, yes, I must admit it, more money. (I’m including this just because those of you who know me know I’ve been whining about money since I quit my job, and you know it was on my prayer list!)

I began praying for those things too, plus some extra little perks that I really wanted for him.

Now, here’s where it gets hairy. All of this started way before Caleb was born. That’s a looong time to wait on a promise. Well, it’s really not, but it certainly was to us. We both lost heart, quit believing, decided we were wrong, and felt sure that we were “stuck”. God, however, is SO faithful.

Although we couldn‘t see what God had for us, He was working all along, and in ways that we could have never imagined. One night at church a dear friend and mentor to Keith said he knew he wanted Keith to come work for him. We began to pray that God would show us the direction He wanted us to go, and it became clear that this was the job. He (Keith's new employer) gave us a job description, and under “salary” it stated: We trust that the Lord is our sole provider who will grant us all our needs, or something kinda like that. Yes, I know, it’s funny to me too. (And yes, there was a salary listed under that!) It didn’t have to be a Christian that hired Keith, but it’s nice that it is. I can tell you without any exaggeration that every request we had about a new job for Keith was answered. It overwhelms us sometimes when we think and talk about it.

Now, back to Keith’s verse. He didn’t see it at the time, because as he admits he’s pretty literal in his thinking, but his left-brained wife saw it right off the bat. Ha! What Solomon was talking about in the verse was gathering resources from several different areas and using different skilled craftsman to build a temple to worship the Lord in. If you want to know Keith’s job description, it’s that in a nutshell: using multiple resources to do the Lord’s work. A verse that was given 6 years ago is now confirmation to us that THIS is the exact job God has for Keith. God knew that Keith would need confirmation, and He knew that Keith would need me to help him see it. (Finally, I was fulfilling my role the right way!)

I hesitate to write all of this, just because I really didn’t want anyone to think that I was putting all of this out there to be a show-off. What my purpose is in writing this is to tell you that if God makes you a promise, it WILL come. He WILL provide. If you need something, trust Him, faith Him- He WILL come through- sometimes in ways we never could have dreamed.

Ephesians 3:20-21
Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.

to keep myself accountable...

keith and i, i have to say rarely disagree. we agree about the big things in life, and almost always see eye to eye on spiritual issues. (this is not to say that we don't fight about petty stuff, because we of course DO.) i believe that he is the spiritual leader, actually THE leader (next to God of course :) of our home. there's lots of verses to back all of this up in the bible, but i'll give you just one:
Ephesians 5:34 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

yes, i know, this isn't exactly a popular thought. but, if God said it, He meant it, and He meant it for my GOOD. i won't go into all the reasons why it's good right now, but instead dive into my little situation.

we've had some discussions around here about some choices. some choices that we absolutely disagreed about. which was hard in itself, because we don't disagree. that made it worse, because it almost hurt my feelings more that we'd found something we couldn't even find common ground on. the choices were keith's to make, but they would impact our family in a big way.

from my point of view, i'm an ask forgiveness later kind of girl. if a decision needs to be made, i may agonize, but it's only for a very short period of time. like shopping- i see it, decide if the price is right, etc. and then buy it. keith on the other hand, looks at something, decides he needs it, then doesn't really need it, needs to check on prices elsewhere, doesn't buy it, and then when i make him buy it experiences buyer's remorse. that's how we make decisions, in a nutshell. if something's broke i decide how to fix it, and quickly. not to say i don't pray about things, but i more or less pray and then make my own decision- unless i feel God leading me elsewhere. i feel like if i'm experiencing intimacy with God then He'll let me know if i'm headed in the wrong direction. i'm not sure this is entirely right or wrong, but that's a whole 'nother blog post. for real.

keith however really wants God's approval for most decisions. he depends on knowing that he has God's favor before he steps out and does anything. i think God favors me regardless, unless i'm in rebellion on a decision i make against Him. see what i mean? two different perspectives that can both be right- but i really really think that I'M right. (well i did, anyway.)

so, in classic Danielle fashion i'm pushing him. pushing him to see my way, pushing him to change his point of view. yelling, stomping my feet, crying, manipulating. not pretty.

in Gen. 3:16 God tells eve that she's going to want what He gave adam- authority. the bible says, "your desire shall be for your husband, and he will rule over you."

that's me. i want the authority. sometimes i hate letting keith make the decisions. (this is not to say that i don't have any say or that he never consults me or even lets me make decisions. it's just that ultimately, it's keith's call.)

i had a long discussion with my mom about all of this and she broke it down for me. she said, "well, have you given the situation to God and let Him handle it? if you're right, then God can change keith's heart better than you can." well crap. i knew she was right. so that meant no crying, whining, and yelling? yep. giving it to God was my answer.

i'll be very honest here- i didn't want to give it to God because i was afraid if i did, then God would tell me "no". i wanted to handle things my own way, but i know from experience that when i cry and whine to get something i usually don't want it after it's finally mine. so i decided to quit crying and whining. and then i cried and whined a little more. and finally i decided to quit like for real. and keith cried tears of relief and joy.

i gave the whole thing to God, and something crazy happened. i quit caring about what the outcome of the decision was. no seriously, i could give it to keith wholeheartedly and TRUST that he would make the right decision for our family. i personally know that my man will do what the Lord says, and not just what he (keith) wants to do. i look back now and i can see that no matter how much crying and whining i did keith would have made the right decision and followed the Lord regardless. no matter if it looks crazy to me or anyone else outside of our family, i know that he will be righteous. i love that about my man. i don't always give him enough credit.

i must say that i know there might be readers here who can't say the same things about their husbands. i don't say that to make anybody feel weird or uncomfortable, but to say that i believe that God's ways are best. this might sound a little harsh, but i think even if your husband doesn't know what the heck he's doing, or never prays, or even if he's selfish you should let him make the decisions. let him lead. i really want to write that super small so you won't hate me. BUT, i think that because God's ways are higher than ours, we should allow our husbands to lead and He will honor YOU for allowing him to. i believe He will bless and honor your family in spite of your husband because you chose to do the right thing. okay, i got that part out and i'm glad i said it but seriously, don't hate me, 'kay?

y'all life is hard sometimes. marriage is hard. i want to do things with excellence and yet i find myself just whining and crying and stomping my feet. i'm so thankful that i have Jesus who loves me in spite of all that (and that He blessed me with an earthly husband who does too!).

waiting

first of all, i would like to tell you that if you want to read great writing go to my friend carey's blog. it is EXCELLENT i must say. i would like to apologize for my LACK of excellence when it comes to writing on this blog. usually i write quickly- without spell check and it turns into a rambling mess- but i hope you see my heart in the middle. (especially since at this very minute caleb is standing on a step ladder- aka his tree stand- shooting arrows by my head, and collin is squealing in his exersaucer. was just feeling the need to get my thoughts on paper so to speak!)

i've been immersed in a study of the old testament by beth moore, The Patriarchs. it's simply awesome people. i could wear a t-shirt for beth moore as her #1 fan. no one makes the bible come alive for me like she does. God speaks to me in a big way through her studies. i initially started this study five years ago while i was pregnant with little cdawg, but i did not get to finish it because i went on bedrest and couldn't watch the accompanying videos. the last thing i remember studying was abraham taking his beloved promised son isaac to mount moriah in order to sacrifice him. heavy stuff. two weeks later i was in the hospital, telling God that caleb was my isaac- i was putting him in His capable hands. God's Word is always applicable, in any situation. it's amazing- you have a problem, situation, question- God's got a story for you that absolutely applies.

this time i'm studying through abraham, isaac, jacob and joseph and God is showing me something totally different. keith and i have been in a waiting period for about four years. it's hard to keep on hoping and believing that God is going to come through for you when you've waited that long. it's hard for me to wait four days much less four years. for keith and i, it's been hard not to focus on the LACK, rather than what God has been so unbelievably faithful to provide in the meantime. i used to believe that waiting periods were just downtimes, or times when God wasn't really moving all that much. now, i'm beginning to see that maybe it's the opposite. He's moving all the time, we just have to have eyes to see it.

in Genesis 40 we read that joseph is thrown in jail for a crime that he absolutely did not commit (and if you don't know the story, his brothers had previously sold him into slavery. bummer). now, was God unaware that joseph wasn't guilty? umm, no. God allowed it. the reasons why seem clear to me- joseph was a selfish brat (see Genesis 37. don't you just love how people who God uses and makes great are big fat sinners? ME TOO.) and God had a plan to make him a hero. in my limited experience God doesn't just make people great without trial or suffering. it's all over the Bible in every story. so not only did God put joseph in jail, joseph must have felt like God deserted Him there.

joseph asks pharoah's chief butler (Gen. 40:14) to remember him to pharoah after joseph had done him a great service- interpreting a dream. it took two long years for the butler to remember joseph.

now, let me just get all sidetracked for a second. is God sovereign, or is He not? sometimes i view my life like forrest gump's mama. you remember- we're all just floatin' along all gentle like on a breeze? just ramblin' through life, lettin' stuff hit us and struggling through. well, the Bible says this is false. everything in life comes straight from the Lord, He ordains it all. he sees the big picture. my mom described it to me this way: our lives are like a big tapestry. we can only see the back, which looks like a big jumble of threads and knots. but the front, which only God can see, is a beautiful picture. hopefully, when He's done that picture will look like Christ!

finally, the butler remembers joseph, and joseph is taken to pharoah where he finds favor in the extreme. joseph interprets pharoah's dream and is made his second in command. pharoah gives him everything he has- no one but him is greater. make no mistake, this wasn't any of joseph's doing. he didn't have enough drive or ambition to reach this pinnacle of success. God did it.

now, what was God doing for joseph in the meantime? while he was a slave and then thrown into prison? amazing stuff. while joseph was a slave we read (in Genesis 39:1-12) that: the LORD was with joseph, He made him prosper (joseph was head slave, potiphar his master put him in charge of everything because he saw the LORD was with him), he blessed him with favor and with His presence. again, amazing stuff. when joseph went to prison God did the same thing- he was shackled and bruised, but later put in charge of the entire prison. the favor of the LORD was on him.

i'm sure at some point (maybe a few points) joseph had some "woe is me" moments. i certainly would have i can assure you. hopefully, he could look around and see that God was still working and moving even in his desperate and seemingly hopeless situation.

at the close of the story, when joseph comes face to face with his brothers (who a few chapters earlier had sold him into slavery) he says, (Genesis 45:5-8) "i am joseph, your brother, whom you sold into egypt. but now, do not therefore be grieved or angry with yourselves because you sold me here; for God sent me before you to preserve life. for these two years the famine has been in the land, and there are still five years in which there will be neither planting nor harvesting. and God sent me before you to preserve a posterity for you in the earth, and to save your lives by a great deliverance. so now it was not you who sent me here, but God. he has made me a father to pharaoh, and lord of all his house, and ruler throughout the land of egypt."

joseph knew that the hardship and waiting he had endured came from the Lord. he recognized that God was weaving his life in a way not only to make him great, but to preserve his family. joseph's family would become known as God's chosen race, the jews, and the family from which His ultimate promise, Jesus, would come. puts it all into perspective, doesn't it? God sees the big picture.

keith and i were discussing our current waiting period last night and came to a similar conclusion. we can fuss about God's abundance and how we should have the stuff we want/need- but if we did, would we be seeking the Lord? or would we be resting in our own capabilities? we know ourselves well enough to know that a comfortable life for us would cause us to struggle for dependence on the Lord and not ourselves. God knows this and is growing qualities in the meantime that we will use to fulfill the big picture of our lives. and did i mention how He's blessing us in the meantime? we're awed when we take time to remember. hopefully, like joseph i can look back and see the LORD's fingerprints all over my "waiting" period.