happy holidays

i've been really burdened by the events of last week. twice over the weekend i hid in the closet and cried. i honestly haven't kept up with all of the news about newtown because we've been super diligent to keep it away from our boys.  i just think 6 is a little too young to deal with all of that, and i'm thankful that C's school completely agreed with me.

i've read so many debates about the cause of this evil act and "what's to be done" arguments. innocent children being murdered is sadly nothing new in our world. this isn't to take away from what happened in newtown, far from it. evil has always been in our world, and until Jesus comes to create a new heaven and new earth, it will be here.

so what do we as christians do? do we write extensive blog posts and facebook posts with "the answers"? do we picket washington, boycott, pull out of society and live like hermits?

i think i have a different perspective on things because i have people i'm close to who are non-believers. it has honestly rocked my "christian" world a little bit. no, actually a lot when i realized that someone who i love felt they had no place in christian culture, especially after growing up in it. it changed things for me. i couldn't see church the same way. how we dressed, talked, worshipped- it all looked different to me through this person's perspective. before it felt very "we are living right and you are very wrong" when people outside my immediate circle didn't live for Jesus. now it feels very "oh dear Lord, give me eyes to see how they see. help me make good choices so that they see You."

when i read things christians write it oftentimes sounds so angry. so judgemental and hard. i read it how i think this dear person might and it hurts. it wounds and cuts and bleeds. sometimes i guess it should, but i see christians battle it out over things that truly DO NOT MATTER and it makes me so angry. i can understand why more do not come to church. i understand why they think God is some big angry man with a beard who lives to reach out a bony finger and smite us, because that's what we show them. we are the big dang angry bony finger, smiting everyone who doesn't live inside our culture.

i guess that's why i entitled this post, "happy holidays". it's become such a no-no for so many christians. my mom said the other day, "you know, when i was a kid people said 'happy holidays' all the time and all it meant was merry christmas and happy new year". well it doesn't mean that anymore and you'd better smite anybody who says it. (i'm smiling as i write this. really! i'm being funny. a little sarcastic, but i can't help that.)

Jesus won the battle. He's already paid it, done it, fought it, won it all- for eternity. we don't have to fight over a holiday we made up. let's LIVE it. let's show love, help our neighbors. speak for those who can't speak for themselves- only let's just don't speak- let's act and move. this is my hearts cry, that people would SHUT UP already and love on others. i think that's our problem- everybody knows exactly what we're against, but nobody knows what we're for. actions speak louder than words. let's live this thing. we don't even have to post a picture on facebook and tell people we did it. (sarcasm again, i'm sorry.)

i'm not anywhere near where i want to be on this, but i'm convicted and broken and trying.

i can't take credit for finding this scripture- i actually saw it on another blog. however, the thoughts posted above are all mine.

You yourselves have been taught by God to love one another, for that is what you are doing... But we urge you brothers to do this more and more, and to aspire to live quietly, and to mind your own affairs, and to work with your hands, as we instructed you, so that you may walk properly among others. 1 Thessalonians 4:9b-12a

i need Thee every hour

y'all i hate whining. and i hate being stressed- and whining + stress just makes me ill and unhappy. lately i've been both, pretty stressed by responsibilities and kind of whining (even if i'm doing it on the inside mostly!)
this morning i drug myself out of bed and pulled out my devotional- Jesus Calling (which is the BOMB-diggity). i spent some time with my Heavenly Father and asked Him to help me, to help me remember that He is present and to give me the strength that i need.

now y'all, i have good days and i have bad ones, but this one was a bad day in the making. i'm a firm believer that attitude is everything and if you're going to be negative about it all you might as well hang it up because YES, whatever the situation is it's just going to stink even worse. but what do you do with the incessantly whiny two year old? the disgustingly messy floors that you JUST cleaned, the tiredness- the bored-ness with all the stuff that needs to get done. sometimes you can have a good attitude, determine to pull yourself up by the bootstraps and it's still not going to look like pollyanna or mary poppins. THIS is where i need to remember that i have the Holy Spirit dwelling in me. i don't have to do it all alone. it may be hard, it may be tiring, but if i'm communicating with Him He will help.

and He does. because by His grace i took this tired body to gym and ran a couple of miles and did some weights;  then wheeled the whiny two year old through the hurricane-crazed kroger (seriously, y'all??); made a quick run to the fabric store- unpacked all that mess and fed us both without losing my cool OR whining in my head. and that my friends, is a work of the Holy Spirit.

i still have the rest of the day to go, but i am so thankful for a good morning in SPITE of what it could've been. i give Him all the glory.

my thoughts exactly.

do i think christians should speak their beliefs? absolutely. but i don't believe we change hearts that way. we change hearts through kindness, generosity, mercy, love, prayer- investing in relationships with people the way that Jesus did.

http://www.perrynoble.com/2012/08/01/ben-jerrys-chic-fil-a-political-correctness/

that jacked up picture will get you.

yesterday i dropped collin off at mom's morning out and met a sweet friend who just graduated from college for coffee. i have never in my life met anyone like this darling girl- she has lived more life in her 23 years than i have in my 30something :) this girl could be any girl, homecoming court and cheerleading in high school- except for walking through some of the darkest things a person could imagine. she is open, funny and has a passion for life and Jesus like few people i know. she wants what most every girl wants- handsome husband, 2 beautiful children, and a big white house on the hill with a puppy in the back and a picket fence in the front. we were talking about this a bit when i said,

"girl, you just live. the picture in your head of how it's supposed to be will always mess you up. don't go pursuing all of that stuff, pursue Jesus and let the rest fall into place". i would love to tell you that i thought up that particular gem of wisdom but i actually pinned it on pinterest. i'm kind of ashamed about it now but i didn't tell her that- she whipped out her phone and started a note. "man, that's good stuff. i need to write it down so i don't forget it!"

keith and i had a similar discussion about where and what we thought we'd be doing at this time in our lives. i'm living the dream of being a mama (although i don't have three girls named jennifer, jessica and jamie. kind of thanking God about that now- at least the 3 j name part anyway), and keith has really stepped out in the job department compared to what he was doing two years ago. he's been pretty successful in a tough economy, and that makes me happy and proud of him- and thankful to God for His provision, favor, and mercy. but y'all, our lives do not look like that picture in every way that we thought and counted on that it would.

both of us went through a time period where we were miserable about that picture in our heads. we hated feeling discontent and yet were unable to change how we felt or our circumstances. it messed with our self-esteem, our marriage, our relationship with the Lord. i can't tell you how many times i cried out to God to change it all- give us what we wanted, help us to have things we thought we needed.

i remember telling someone (who does not have a christian perspective) that all i really wanted was a bigger house. she said, "why do you want that? i know people who have huge houses and they hate each other. i read your blog and you're happy. you love your husband and adore your kids and they you. why would you want anything else?" that statement, from someone who doesn't know any biblical truth, spoke more to me than any devotional could have. it wasn't some frilly platitude about how christians should think, it was just honest biblical teaching that even secular thought could see. i began to change my prayer to, "Lord, make me content. open my eyes to see my blessings, not my lack."

while i can't say that i don't fall back into that old way of thinking- i'm actually kind of nervous as i write this that i will wake up tomorrow and be miserable again- i can say i've had more victory in this area than ever before. i love my little life, and i think it every day. no really- i do. i mean, yes there are hassles and disappointments and very sad things- but the best part of my day is picking up that 5 year old of mine from school. it's like i'm getting ready for a big date i'm so excited to see him as he hops in the car. i love snuggling with my fat toed little two year old (who's toes are actually painted coral at the moment. sorry about that daddy, sometimes i have little power to resist his charms). i love my man. we aren't perfect together, but i know beyond a shadow of a doubt that he's the one God picked out for me- way back when i was 23 years old praying for that big white house with a picket fence. and let me just tell y'all, i had no clue my prince charming would be a bearded truck driving mud boots wearing hunting country boy. so thankful for it all, and i don't ever want to go back to not feeling that way. that feeling of contentment is worth fighting for, and i will.

and that picture we both were so stuck on? i think we'll get it. i think it was there all along because the Lord ordained it. you know how in a dream sometimes things don't look clear? like you get the general idea but the details are fuzzy? that's how i think that picture in our head is. we think we're seeing it clearly but He has so much more for us. the details make the difference, and while we can't see it He has it all planned out. and friends if there's anything i believe, it's that His plan is perfect.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." Jeremiah 29:11-13


true dat friends.

what i see

i see my dearest friend pregnant through many answered prayers.
i see my husband selflessly caring for a family that has many needs.
i see my child's public school teacher sharing the bible and praying with his class.
i see my friends standing up for what they believe in no matter the cost.
i see my friend choosing to graduate from college and make a life for herself- leaving behind anorexia and alcoholism.
i see my baby singing and talking about Jesus all day long.
i see my friends both working full time and staying home- balancing and making it work through Christ who strengthens them, and raising amazing kids in the process.
i see my church committing to give above and beyond to the poor in our area.
i see miracles of pregnancy all around me.
i see friends committing to be missionaries close by and far away.
i see a friend healed of terminal cancer.
i see a public servant proclaiming his love for Christ.
i see friends who serve in non-Christian organizations sharing their love for Jesus with the youth they mentor.
i see my big kid praying for his classmates.
i see my church commit itself to living missionally- to help our community and teach them who Jesus is.
i see preschool sunday school teachers go above and beyond to teach babies about Jesus.
i see a friend sending her son off to be a missionary.
i see my friends sharing about their relationship with Christ on their blogs.
i see my family partnering with other families to reach out to our neighbors.

i know that there are many sad, terrible things happening in this world, but i think every now and then we need to stop and focus on what's good. so much of the time all we hear about is the negative- that our churches are ineffective, our leadership is taking our country down, etc. etc. etc. while i don't believe we need to bury our heads in the sand, i do think we need to stop and recognize where God is working and praise Him for the great and mighty things He's doing all around us.

not really resolutions

if there's anything i've learned in almost 6 years of being a mama, it ain't easy. oh, we airbrush it and make it look all shiny and happy on facebook and our blogs- but if we were to be truthful, some days there'd be about 5% shiny and about 95% cra- well, you know what i mean :)

out of everything i've ever done, i want to do this mama thing right. i've said before i hate new year's resolutions (even though i tend to make them anyway), but this year the Lord gave me a verse to focus on as my "resolution" if you will.

Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. Deuteronomy 6:5

i figure if i get that part right, then the rest will fall into place.

one of the ways that i've been working on this is having a consistent time when i read my bible and pray. i know, you're thinking haven't you been doing that all along mrs. spoutschristianitywhenevericanonthisblog? no, not really. i'm bad about it. sometimes the only thing i'm consisent about is my inconsistency. (i think beth moore said that!)

well, anyway, i've been really gettin' after it the last few weeks. i follow the one year bible plan, but i do it in my own tried and true trusty bible that keith gave me on our wedding day. (awww, i know, isn't that the sweetest?? he even had my new name put on it). the reason being is i like seeing old notes and stuff i've highlighted and promises written in the margins. on the suggestion of jean stockdale i bought me some colored pencils and i color code verses as i read them: green for things i pray for my kids (because they're growing), purple for my relationship with Jesus, yellow for things concerning my marriage, black for sin, etc.
after i've read through with my colored pencils (it's so stinkin' fun. maybe that's the teacher in me? i love them.) i write things that jumped out in my prayer journal as my prayer requests. as always, i tend to really focus on things that make me a better mom, or things that i want to sow in my boys' hearts.

i want to parent in a way that 1) God's Word backs up and 2) works for my family. i want to truly be intentional about the way that i teach my children, not just do things because my parents did it that way, or because my friends think it's best or even just following traditional parenting wisdom. so far, i've been good and bad at this. that's okay though- because parenting is a marathon and not a sprint. there have been countless times when i've singled out a "problem" area in one of my kids' lives that really needed focus only to find that neither advice, books or traditional parenting wisdom worked in that area- at least not immediately anyway. what i found was that it took a lot of time, effort, prayer and consistency to see any growth in that area, and sometimes it took over a year to see even that. my kids are just like me- there aren't any quick fixes. (thank You Jesus that You don't give up easily).

here are some things that i really want to be intentional about in the coming year:

1. i want to do more date nights with my husband. the Lord is pretty clear in this area, He says to focus on our husbands first. i don't even have an excuse! i can pay $10 every other month, leave my kids at church (which they have a blast because all of their friends are there) and go out to eat or to target or whatever for 2-3 hours with my man. here's where the rub comes: my mind says to focus on my kiddos first. they need me more. i'm neglecting them if i leave them. they spend enough time away from me... y'all know what i'm saying. but God's not wrong in any area and He said my kids and my marriage would be better for it. TWICE i've paid the $10 and we've not gone because of my stinkin' guilt. ridiculous.

2. i want kids who do not have a sense of "entitlement", or who are not grateful for things. i want boys who honor their father and their mother. i think for me this means telling them "no" even when i want to say "yes".(and i almost always want to say yes!) again, traditional wisdom says give them the moon so that they feel loved and secure. the bible tells our children to "Honor your father and your mother, as the LORD your God has commanded you, so that you may live long and that it may go well with you in the land the LORD your God is giving you." Deut. 5:16 basically, they're not going to prosper if they don't honor us.

3. i need to stop being a helicopter parent. this includes letting them fight with each other, play (especially outside) without me hovering, and finally- to let caleb fight his own battles at school (not that there have actually been any battles or anything that i've stepped in about, but i do know it's probably coming).

4. we need to be better about having a family bible study time. we've done it once or twice, had a ball, but haven't been consistent about it.

5. i want to teach my boys to be compassionate to others. before christmas keith's company owner gave our boys $100 to do something for someone else. we decided to use that money to donate items to a local ministry in downtown jackson. first, caleb and i made a list of all the things that someone might need if they were homeless. seriously, he could not even begin to wrap his little brain around someone not having a home, kids without parents, or someone not having food. when we visited the ministry his eyes were as big as saucers- especially over the food pantry in the family's basement. i want boys who are willing to reach out to not only people who don't live or look like them, but to the kid in their class who's weird, or smells bad, or who doesn't have a friend. how i'm going to teach this, i don't know. but i am going to be intentionally praying for this and for ways to reach out into our community. and better yet, i don't just want to do a bunch of talking like i've been doing- i want to DO stuff about it.

loving the Lord with all my heart. intentional. running this race with consistency. these are my "resolutions".

thanksgiving day: i wasn't very thankful.

on thanksgiving day i only took a few pictures. we went to visit my grandparents in north alabama and i forgot my camera. i tried to snap a few on my phone, but honestly i was too busy visiting to really make a good effort of it. keith, my brother and dad rode in my mom's car; and me, my mom and the boys rode in mine. collin was asleep, caleb was watching a movie, and all was well.... until, a doe stepped out in front of my car. it was pretty awful.

we found out when we got home that my car was totaled. the damage doesn't look that bad in the picture but the radiator was busted and i think there was something wrong with the oil pan too. i'm not gonna lie y'all, discouraged doesn't begin to cover what i felt about the loss of my car. keith set me straight on the nice, new and shiny ride i envisioned us going into debt over. we would be buying something sensible that we could afford.

this is what i pictured when he said those words. forgive me if this is your vehicle. it's nice. it's just not the shiny new vision of a vehicle that i pictured. it's a '96 ford taurus station wagon.... sensible and surely affordable. dave ramsey approved.

a major pity party ensued. i'm pretty sure i said something to the effect of God likes everybody else more than me. why does everybody else get what they want? i'll spare you the rest. i should have known better than to take keith's lack of optimism to heart (he tends to err on the pessimistic side so that i don't get my hopes up. about anything.) but i didn't. i worried and stewed and pleaded my case with God (how many years now have i been a christian? sheesh. you'd think i'd be better at this, right?)

well, we started talking to our insurance and looking at cars, and then narrowed it down to exactly what i'd want. and do you know, i ended up with a really nice, shiny new (to me) vehicle? just like i pictured. it's amazing. every time i jump into it to drive i think how unworthy and undeserving of that car i am. not only is it what i wanted- but we got a super deal on it too. how's that for God blessing you when you don't deserve it? just one more example of God's blessing and unmerited favor on His child- who is completely unworthy. He is amazing to me.

the way, the truth and the life.

when i was in junior high i spent a lot of time with my best friend. we were pretty inseparable. we'd been on a "get it together" kick- exercising, keeping our rooms neat, and making a lot of lists of things to do. one item on the list was to read our bibles. my friend's family did not attend church, so we'd have discussions from time to time about what scripture meant.

i would love to tell you that i invited her to church and told her all about my relationship with Christ... but that's not really what happened. at this time in my family we did the "right" things- attended a huge church in downtown tuscaloosa and prayed before meals. this was pretty much the extent of my Christianity (although God did a mighty work in my family over the years and i can say this is no longer the case).

in reality, my friend was probably more of an influence on me than i was on her. one night we were reading our bibles together and somehow the topic of church came up. my friend explained to me that her mom said it didn't matter what you believed about God, as long as you believed something. according to my friend, there were different paths (or religions) to God. i thought about this, and decided i believed her. the Holy Spirit must have been after me because i remember going to my mom and telling her about this conversation and asking her what she thought. she clearly explained to me about what scripture says (quoting Jesus) "I am the way the truth and the life. no one comes to the Father except through Me." john 14:6

caleb was given a little gideon's bible from his preschool last week. it has been his prized possession. he's read it and talked about it and toted it everywhere. keith commented the other day, "i wonder if he'll always love his bible like that. i wonder if (our example) will be what causes him not too". oh Lord i hope not, i'll do everything in my power to make that not the case.

i'll tell you what i worry about for my kids though- that same idea my junior high friend shared with me. it's everywhere folks- all over the place, i've even seen it on "christian" blogs. i just read it on a blog where there was scripture on the gal's header. dang y'all. it hurts my head and my heart so much. i hate it. i want to be loving, i want to be kind, i do not want to be hypocritical, i want to be open to whatever relationships the Lord has for me- but make no mistake, i am not tolerant. not in any shape or form and neither is God. His words were true when He wrote them 2000+ years ago and they are today.

y'all i'm just talking to the mamas here- we have got to teach our kids the truth. our culture makes you feel evil if you dare to say, "His way is the right way, His truth is the only truth- my God is the only God." but if we don't teach them, our culture will. and that is a scary thought my friends.

and PS... my junior high friend and her husband did eventually become Christians. i guess somebody out there was praying for them and thankfully willing to share the truth!

oh ye of little faith

Matthew 14:23-33
Later that night, he was there alone, 24 and the boat was already a considerable distance from land, buffeted by the waves because the wind was against it.

25 Shortly before dawn Jesus went out to them, walking on the lake. 26 When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified. “It’s a ghost,” they said, and cried out in fear.

27 But Jesus immediately said to them: “Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.”

28 “Lord, if it’s you,” Peter replied, “tell me to come to you on the water.”

29 “Come,” he said.

Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. 30 But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!”

31 Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?”

32 And when they climbed into the boat, the wind died down. 33 Then those who were in the boat worshiped him, saying, “Truly you are the Son of God.”

I read this in my quiet time the other day and pondered the "doubting" Peter. How many times do I doubt Jesus? Truthfully, I'd have to say quite a bit.

I've heard entire sermons on how Peter sank because of His doubt. I've also heard how you can't have faith to walk on the water unless Jesus calls you into the water. I'm not trying to disprove either of those, but the sermons mostly focused on our lack of belief. I wanted to share something different that stuck out at me when I read this on Monday:

Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. 30 But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!”

31 Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?”

Yeah, Peter was a big ole doubter. I don't think Jesus was necessarily rebuking him here though. Look at how it says when Peter began to sink Jesus immediately caught him. He didn't say, "You big ole doubter. Now you have to sink to the bottom of the ocean and struggle around and then I'll come save you." or, "Well, I'm tired of your doubting. This is it for you!"

It's almost like in my mind I can hear Jesus saying compassionately, "why did you doubt?" Almost like when Caleb can't find me and he becomes frantic and I say, "Buddy, I would never leave you. Why would you think that?"

My reasoning for this is because of the "immediate" factor. Jesus took pity on Peter and grabbed him up as soon as He began to sink/doubt. The argument can be made that we must trust and keep our eyes on Jesus- that's huge, but we must also remember that we serve a compassionate God who knows that we're going to doubt, who knows that we're going to waver. He's always there to catch us up and keep us from drowning, even in our disbelief.

I'm not sure about y'all, but sometimes I need God to scoop me up and love on me when I've lost hope. I'm glad that although sometimes I might lose sight of Him, He never does me.

one thing

one of my favorite places to read is Lots of Scotts. each night the author (JMom) blogs about her life while knitting it all together with scripture in a way that always speaks to me. love that. yesterday her post was on sharing one thing that she wanted to remember about that day. i'm not sure i could physically find the time to blog each and every day, but i do like the idea of using this space to journal my thoughts, although i could never do it as eloquently as JMom.

anyway, if i had one thought for the day it would be what a friend at church encouraged me with. she said (paraphrasing) that we look at the future like it's happening right now. life is meant to be lived in small bits and moments- not huge chunks. when i make a mistake, 'fess it up and move on. when i'm in the middle of a hard place, ask for grace and remember that my Savior knows exactly what i'm going through and He will use it for His glory. when i desperately need something, consider it provided and live like i believe it.

i'm throwing this stuff out there like it's easy or something, when in my reality it's not.

however, i believe that if i began to fix my heart on eternity rather than the many traps i fall into here on earth, i could began to look at things for what they truly are. the more i deliberately start living my life like it starts in heaven, the less i will feel tied down by my circumstances.

John 6: 27 "Do not work for food that spoils, but for food that endures to eternal life, which the Son of Man will give you. For on him God the Father has placed his seal of approval.”

John 12:25 "Anyone who loves their life will lose it, while anyone who hates their life in this world will keep it for eternal life"

Romans 2: 7 "To those who by persistence in doing good seek glory, honor and immortality, he will give eternal life."

2 Corinthians 4:17- 18 "For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."

Matthew 6:19-20 "Do not store up for yourselves treasures on Earth, where moth and rust destroy, where thieves break in and steal. For where you treasure is, there your heart will also be."

let the little children come

my new night-time routine includes reading my beloved kindle in bed. while keith is snoozing away i'm usually deep into a book using my faithful little booklight so i don't wake him. i LOVE to read and this has been a great little end to my day. a little "me time".

now that i have a kindle my fellow kindle users will often text me what free books are good or something they just read that was great. this book was recommended a few times but didn't really spark my interest: Heaven is for Real, A little boy's astounding trip to heaven and back

last night the only thing i can tell you is that i felt "led" to buy it. it was a whopping $6.13 and though i hesitated i decided that little amount wouldn't break me.

i am so thankful that i did. y'all, i read the book in like 40 minutes cover to cover. it's a pretty short book and i'm a supa fast reader, but really- it just drew me in and kept me. the book is written by a pastor named Todd Burpo, who's son had to have some emergency surgery. they don't claim that the little boy died during the surgery, but that he visited heaven while he was in surgery (if you don't think this could happen- read revelation. it's all about the apostle john's visit to heaven while he's still "alive"). y'all, it's just an unbelievably good book.

one of the things that struck me, and the author too- is how colton (the little boy who went to heaven) came back talking about how much Jesus loves little children. apparently colton went through a phase where he told his parents this over and over. it changed the way his pastor dad did church. his mom felt led to let go of singing on the worship team to focus on their children's ministry.

it got me to thinking- what if rather than churches focusing all of their attention on adults- and instead began focusing on the children/youth in their care? what if before adults became sad, messed up, addicted, hurt, totally distracted by life people we taught them when they were little about Jesus loving them passionately. (and i know sunday school classes are meant to do this, i'm thinking about children's ministry as a whole. somethin' kinda radical actually.)

what if instead of pouring all or the majority of our time, money and energy into adult ministries we focused on our children? i wonder if in God's upside down economy- where the least are the greatest- if God would structure our churches the way that we do. this is not meant to be a criticism of my or any other church but really more me thinking out loud.

in order for this upside-down economy to take place we'd have to have churches who were filled to the brim with people who felt as passionately as Jesus does about children/youth. not just our own kids, but others as well. i know that everyone in the church has a job, a talent, something God has equipped them for, but i also wonder if we're doing our "best" if we don't support our children's ministries in some way too. just thinkin' anyway.

¹³ People were bringing little children to Jesus for him to place his hands on them, but the disciples rebuked them. ¹⁴ When Jesus saw this, he was indignant. He said to them, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. ¹⁵ Truly I tell you, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it.” ¹⁶ And he took the children in his arms, placed his hands on them and blessed them. Mark 10:13-16

not looking back

57 As they were walking along the road, a man said to him, “I will follow you wherever you go.”
58 Jesus replied, “Foxes have dens and birds have nests, but the Son of Man has no place to lay his head.”
59 He said to another man, “Follow me.”
But he replied, “Lord, first let me go and bury my father.”
60 Jesus said to him, “Let the dead bury their own dead, but you go and proclaim the kingdom of God.”
61 Still another said, “I will follow you, Lord; but first let me go back and say goodbye to my family.”
62 Jesus replied, “No one who puts a hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God.”
Luke 9:57-62

i've always read this passage and wondered about what Jesus meant. i'd think- so i must leave all i love and just go? with no goodbye, no concern for my family? i'm to be homeless? and while i'm sure that in some circumstances Jesus might have meant exactly these things- i had no clue what He meant for me in my life.

last week i got a letter in the mail- most people might consider it "junk" mail, but i read it and pondered on it for a few days, it really hit me hard. let me back up a little.

there's a little jewerly store here in town that i've always gone to- keith actually bought my wedding rings there and most of the jewelry that he's purchased for me too. the owner, grayson, is a great guy, and we enjoyed getting to know him when we stopped by the store for new watch batteries or whatever. his dad worked in the back, and often he would come out for one reason or another wearing super thick magnifying glasses. i'm not even sure he knew they were there- which made it hard to keep a straight face when you were talking with him. grayson and his wife karen began attending our church, and later karen and i went to bible study together.

a few years ago grayson felt like God told him to buy some purses. (yep, purses and jewelry- i'm sure he's a fun guy to get gifts from :) he obeyed, and then those purses sat in his garage for awhile until karen told him that she was sick of looking at them and he'd better start selling those jokers. so, he did. he pondered what to do with the money, and then started using it to send missionaries around the world. eventually, God told grayson that he and karen needed to be missionaries as well. they sold everything they owned and moved across the world to asia to immerse themselves in another culture and share Christ with non-believers.

i've never known anyone who was just a normal, average family that suddenly just up and moved to be missionaries. i got to know karen well enough to know that at times she was terrified, and seriously questioned whether she wanted to go through with it at all. (i'm glad to know that people who move across the world are just regular christians like me, but God makes it clear to them they need to go, and He gives them the strength to be obedient. it kind of takes a load off of my mind- ya know?)

she, grayson, and callie- their four year old- have been living in asia for almost a year now, if not a little longer. we get regular updates by mail, and you can see the passion they have for people pouring out of their letters.

now, back to the "junk" mail. i told you grayson owned a jewelry store, and i'd mentioned his dad. the letter i recieved was from the current owner- the man that grayson sold the store to when he left. i actually wasn't sure if he'd sold it or just turned it over to someone else to run it, but the letter stated that the store was going out of business because the current owner just didn't have the heart to run it anymore, he was better at being a lawyer.

he explained that the business had been started by grayson's grandfather in 1932. 1932. it was an old family business passed down to grayson.
what must that have been like for grayson? to leave a family business that had been there for over 80 years. how did his family feel? obviously, grayson had gotten the, "no one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God." he didn't look back, he gave it all to Christ.

being the sentimental gal that i am i have a hard time imagining letting go of my old baby dolls (yes, they're still at my mom's house) much less a family trade. wow. in my mind those passages i'd struggled with finally came to life. it also helped me with the knowledge that while it might not be easy, God has given each and every one of us who are believers the ability to put our hand to the plow and not look back. know how i know?

His divine power has given us everything we need for a godly life through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness. 2 Peter 1:3

He's already given us everything we need for a godly life- we just have to have knowledge of Him. God keeps bringing me back to the same thing i struggle with all. the. time- relationship with Him.

anyway, i hope this sheds a little light on those verses, sometimes it helps me to hear a real live person's testimony about something rather than just some commentary i read in a book. i pray it helps y'all too :)

lately

1. awww, i forgot keith took this picture. it was taken last week after i worked a long but fun day decorating the rogue for christmas. if you're wondering what "the rogue" is, it's a men's department store in jackson. i have a friend who does all of the windows/displays for them and she asked me and some other ladies to come and help her do the massive amount of decorating they needed for christmas. i loved it! i spent two days, 10-6 twisting wire on christmas ornaments, ribbon, garland and hanging stuff from the ceiling. it all had to be done perfectly and i re-did a lot of stuff to get it just right, but seriously i had a BALL, and made some good money. always a blessing to do something you enjoy AND get paid for it!

2. you see he's got a tight hold on them paci's dontcha?? well, they are not long for this world. or at least they're headed for the attic along with caleb's. i took away the bottles today- sniff- we're on sippy cups full time now.

3. this little dude got a hair cut, obviously. i wasn't entirely sure i liked it (i think she cut it a little too short on top) but it will grow, and C LOVES it so i guess that's what counts.

4. totally unrelated to this picture, but i entered the world of skinny jeans today. i almost did last year, but i just couldn't commit. i got them home, put on my beloved cowboy boots (and a new pair of knock off grey uggs with a sweater trim- darling!) and i was hooked. love 'em.
although i must warn you, they are not for the faint of heart. i will probably not wear them with flats because although they are darling on others, my legs are no longer toothpicks. and, also, those jokers are tiiigght. i had to buy them a little bigger than normal because i just couldn't be comfortable with my rear end area. and that's all i'm going to say about that.
except to say that i managed to try on four pairs of jeans with my boys in the dressing room. this deserves and "amen" and a "hallelujah". i only had to ask caleb to stop jumping off the bench once and collin left an orange smeared handprint from goldfish on the mirror, but all in all, i'd say it was a successful trip.

4. in the grand tradition of polk boys, collin spent some time in the dog kennel yesterday. not for punishment (although i may have to remember that. oh i kid!) but just for plain ole fun.

5. we have a full-time walker! now, he will occasionally crawl if he wants to get somewhere fast, but he is pretty much walking all the time.

6. and now on to some items that have been pressing my heart this evening:
i missed part of the bama/ms state game tonight- gasp- to go to marriedlife-live at my church. actually, keith signed us up and invited some friends, so i felt like i should go. i mean, he would've been uncomfortable telling everyone that his wife was at home watching the ballgame :) i did catch the 2nd half so i didn't feel too out of the loop.

i am really glad i went however- because i heard some things i really needed to hear, not just about marriage, but about this christian life i lead. recently i read the book radical and i've been trying to wrap my brain around all of the points the author makes. he makes some pretty big statements about the american life/dream that we are working so hard to live. a lot of what he writes about is the "stuff" that we all have, and yet, he isn't necessarily condemning the stuff. i couldn't put my thoughts into words until tonight.
what our speaker said was that we shouldn't be living for God, that we should be allowing God to live through us. i'll say it again, we're not living for God, God is living through us. it's all about surrender in every aspect of life.

it isn't about our wants, needs, dreams- any of that. it's about letting the holy spirit flow through us at all times- sacrificing ourselves, our flesh and becoming like Christ. that's what radical living is. it's not about getting where we want to be in life, it's about letting God take the reigns and going where He leads us. the Bible says,

"For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it". Matthew 16:25

if we are so busy focusing on doing things our way in our time and on our schedule, we will miss out on all of the things that God has for us. I mentioned before that radical talks some about material possessions and how we have so much here while others have so very little. the author's point was that we should allow the Holy Spirit to work through us and show us what we can use our prosperity for- because it's not for us. it's ALL HIS, and we are commanded to be obedient with it to fulfill His purposes. another good point is it's not a to do list: helped orphans- check. helped a widow- check. fed the poor- check = i'm all good with God. well, being surrendered isn't about a to do list, that's doing things in our own power. it's really about opening our eyes and hearts to what our purpose in that moment is- and that my friends means allowing the Holy Spirit to lead us at all times. our speaker tonight said something tonight that was profound, "there is no 'me time' in a christian's life. it's all God time." wow.

7. i read and awesome blog post the other night, and i'd like to share with you an excerpt from here:

If I always expect my kids to make me feel good or look good, I am setting us all up for failure. My kids were never meant to carry the weight of a mama's need for validation. I can't let their failures send me to bed. And I can't wear their successes like mommy medals of honor.

how many times do i let comparing my kids to someone else's stress me out? such and suches kid never throws a fit in public and always acts like an angel. that friend's kid knows 100 bible verses. her baby is one and talking in full sentences or some other such mess. i didn't think i was caught up in this until i read this post and thought, dang. how many times do i take their successes and failures to heart? a lot. it's my measuring stick to how well i'm doing as a mom.

read the whole post mamas. it'll make you feel better, and give you some food for thought, i promise!

all about the new job :)

I’ve been kind of alluding to change (or the coming of change) for a while in my writing on here, and I’m ready to share with you our little journey. It’s been interesting to say the least. I’m sharing our testimony with you not to brag on us (well, on Keith a little anyway) but to show you how faithful God is. If I’m going to brag on anybody, it’ll be Him.

Almost six years ago Keith had a dream one night. In it, he heard the “address” of a verse: 2 Chronicles 2:8, which says: Send me also cedar, pine and algum logs from Lebanon, for I know that your men are skilled in cutting timber there. My men will work with yours (9) to provide me with plenty of lumber, because the temple I build must be large and magnificent.

If you know anything about Keith, you know that he’s a forester, or at least that’s what his degree is in. He does internet marketing for a forestry supplies company, and also does forestry work on the side. That, and he’s just an outdoorsy kinda guy. This verse was just so, him.

After the dream and the verse, Keith did a lot of praying and finally decided that he needed to go back to school to get his MBA. You might be asking at this point, “Ummm…D, how exactly did that verse lead him to understand he needed to go back to school?” Well, the details on that are kinda sketchy to me at this point, not because they were sketchy but because I just can’t remember exactly why. But I promise- the verse is crucial to this story.

So Keith goes to school, gets an MBA, gets a promotion at work, I quit my job and we have little Cdawg. It’s at this point when I feel like God is telling me that there’s more for us than what I can see. That he has something so special for Keith, and it’s more than likely going to involve ministry. I wasn’t thinking like preachin’ or anything, but I certainly wasn’t ruling it out.

I think God tells me things about Keith ahead of time so that I can be praying for him and lifting him up, but in this instance I chose to continually push Keith in the direction I thought he needed to go. As you can imagine, all I succeeded in doing was making my man miserable at times (He does thank me now, because he says he might have needed a little pushin‘). I had good intentions, but Keith is 1) a thinker, he has to consider all options 2) very loyal 3) resistant to change 4) determined to seek the Lord on all decisions before jumping out in faith. I love all of these things about him, but I just saw them as road blocks in my master plan of making God’s plan work in my time. (This makes me think about Sarah trying to “help” God give her and Abraham a son. If you’re confused about this, just start in Genesis 17 and keep going.)

I can’t exactly pinpoint when it began, but I believe God began to stir up a restlessness in Keith’s heart when it came to his job, his ministry- his life. He just wanted more. He began to pray for some specific things:
Courage to step out and do something different.
To never be complacent, or unwilling to change.
To have a spiritual mentor
A business to oversee (and a mentor to help him).
A place where he could dovetail his job and his ministry work (I’ll have to tell you about all that later).
A place where he could use any money, assets or time at work as the Lord saw fit.
A job that would not require us to lose family time.
And, yes, I must admit it, more money. (I’m including this just because those of you who know me know I’ve been whining about money since I quit my job, and you know it was on my prayer list!)

I began praying for those things too, plus some extra little perks that I really wanted for him.

Now, here’s where it gets hairy. All of this started way before Caleb was born. That’s a looong time to wait on a promise. Well, it’s really not, but it certainly was to us. We both lost heart, quit believing, decided we were wrong, and felt sure that we were “stuck”. God, however, is SO faithful.

Although we couldn‘t see what God had for us, He was working all along, and in ways that we could have never imagined. One night at church a dear friend and mentor to Keith said he knew he wanted Keith to come work for him. We began to pray that God would show us the direction He wanted us to go, and it became clear that this was the job. He (Keith's new employer) gave us a job description, and under “salary” it stated: We trust that the Lord is our sole provider who will grant us all our needs, or something kinda like that. Yes, I know, it’s funny to me too. (And yes, there was a salary listed under that!) It didn’t have to be a Christian that hired Keith, but it’s nice that it is. I can tell you without any exaggeration that every request we had about a new job for Keith was answered. It overwhelms us sometimes when we think and talk about it.

Now, back to Keith’s verse. He didn’t see it at the time, because as he admits he’s pretty literal in his thinking, but his left-brained wife saw it right off the bat. Ha! What Solomon was talking about in the verse was gathering resources from several different areas and using different skilled craftsman to build a temple to worship the Lord in. If you want to know Keith’s job description, it’s that in a nutshell: using multiple resources to do the Lord’s work. A verse that was given 6 years ago is now confirmation to us that THIS is the exact job God has for Keith. God knew that Keith would need confirmation, and He knew that Keith would need me to help him see it. (Finally, I was fulfilling my role the right way!)

I hesitate to write all of this, just because I really didn’t want anyone to think that I was putting all of this out there to be a show-off. What my purpose is in writing this is to tell you that if God makes you a promise, it WILL come. He WILL provide. If you need something, trust Him, faith Him- He WILL come through- sometimes in ways we never could have dreamed.

Ephesians 3:20-21
Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.

about last night....

** warning: long, drawn out post that may include vomit and i'll understand if you don't want to read!**

yesterday i had big plans. we were either headed to yogi bear to play in the water, or we were going to shop and eat at chicfila. you can guess which one i was leaning towards- but i was leaving the decision up to caleb.
caleb announced that he didn't want to go to yogi bear- unless he could play golf. i'm not sure what the new golf obsession is, but i wasn't about to pay all that money to play on that scraggly hot course out at yogi bear. i was kind of surprised that he didn't want to go to swim, but i just kind of wrote it off as one of those things and made plans to meet some friends at chicfila.
we were running around trying to get the day started when caleb came to me and said he was ready to take a nap. now i KNEW something was wrong. i grabbed the thermometer and followed him into his room. he didn't have a temp but he said his throat hurt so i went to the kitchen to look for (generic) tylenol that hopefully i would have since i'd thrown away so much after the recall. caleb came in the kitchen and started crying- and while i was trying to console him the poor buddy started throwing up- everywhere.
i cleaned it all up and got c settled on the couch with a movie. a sweet friend brought us some sprite and gatorade and i called the nurse to make sure she agreed it was just a stomach bug. poor C was sick pretty much all day, and it wasn't until the end of the day that i noticed little C had spit up waay more than usual and was being especially clingy. so then i knew i had TWO sick boys. about 4:00 i noticed caleb was running fever. he had put a pillow and a blanket in the bathroom and was sleeping next to the potty. God bless that sweet baby.
i called the after-hours clinic and got an appointment at 6 for both boys. i managed to give caleb a little tylenol and i prayed it would stay down or not make his tummy feel worse. i figured if he was running fever then it might be something like strep, so to me it was better safe than sorry to just head on and see a doctor.
we got to after hours and (of course) both boys acted like they felt perfectly FINE. why is that? one minute caleb was crying because shoes hurt his feet and his car seat straps were to tight and the next he's hamming it up for our doctor. (so thankful we got to see our regular pediatrician!)
it was determined that both boys had a stomach bug- caleb got a dramamine shot and collin we were supposed to watch since he seemed to be the less severe of the two. our doctor called in some phenagrin and tylenol suppositories and we figured we'd be good to go.
i gave caleb his meds at 9pm, his fever had spiked back up to 102.6 (which is HIGH for C. he rarely runs higher than 101). keith and i hovered over him, waiting on his fever to come down. keith watched a hunting show, and i blogged. we were just passing time before i felt safe putting him in his bed to sleep. i kept waking both boys up to check on their fever, collin stayed cool- he never ran any, but caleb got hotter and more irritable. at 10:30 i checked caleb's temp and it had gone up to 102.9. i'd decided an ER trip was in order but i knew from experience if i called the triage nurse i'd get in a little quicker if they were expecting me. i made the call and waited for her to call back. i put C in a lukewarm bath and made him drink a little cold sprite. nothing helped.
i'm not really the kind of mom who wigs out (on the outside at least!) but on the inside i was REALLY getting worried. i kept thinking about what his temp would be if he hadn't had that tylenol earlier. finally, i decided to load caleb up and head to the hospital and the nurse could just call me on the way.
when i got in the car, i realized that while i'd prayed for C- i hadn't really poured my heart out and PRAYED for C, know what i mean? i knew keith was praying when we left- i saw him pull out his bible and notebook. i decided to cry out to the Lord on behalf of my little buddy- not even sure what i should ask. i wanted God to heal him, but i also wanted to make sure i had all my bases covered. i asked first that God would heal him quickly, second that the nurse would call, and third if we went to the ER that we'd get in quick and get home soon.
in the middle of this prayer the nurse called and i filled her in on our day. she honestly seemed kind of clueless so i immediately made my mind up that i just wasn't going to listen to what she had to say and was headed on to the ER regardless. she said not to take him unless his fever was 105. it was at that point i realized in thirty minutes i could give him some motrin and possibly get it down that way, and i was kind of thinking 102 might not be as desperate as i was thinking. i got off the interstate and headed home.
when we got home i checked C's temp- it was 11:40pm. it had gone down to 100.5. i thought i didn't do a good job checking it, so i checked it again. same thing. by 12 pm it was 99.4.
we dosed the little booger up with some motrin (which was a small miracle in itself that he actually took it and we didn't have to shoot it down his throat. it's also pretty miraculous that he didn't spill or spit any out) and went to bed. i was so relieved and absolutely kind of in shock that it had gone down without any intervention on our part.
as i was lying in bed the full weight of what had happened hit me. God healed him. it wasn't medicine or sponge baths or cold sprite- it was absolutely God. i couldn't help but think it was such a small thing and God just did it. i was in awe for the rest of the night and couldn't wait to share this morning what had happened.
even if this long drawn out saga isn't all that interesting - i really wanted to record for myself what happened and remember our miracle- it is a miracle!- that God did for my little family.
i'm praising HIM this morning for two boys that seem to be perfectly fine!!

just do the right thing?

something's been swirling around in my brain for the last few weeks. and y'all know i use this blog kind of like a journal- so everyone gets to read the rambling, unedited and un-proofread thoughts that i pound out on this little laptop.
here's a question- if more people agree with you, does it make you more right? i know for me, if someone completely and wholeheartedly disagrees with me it makes me a little sad, almost like it hurts my feelings. i like knowing that others agree with my choices. it makes me feel validated and accepted. being a mom i can tell you often brings choices that can be unpopular. in my experience, sometimes going against the "christian" norm can be harder than facing the world with an unpopular choice. to quote a wise friend, "the world doesn't care about our rules. they just want to see jesus." i wholeheartedly agree.
here's my "new" stance. or i guess my old stance, just one that i'm still working on living out daily. i can't convict anybody to do anything that's right. i can't convince other people to see that i'm right. i can't make anybody change by my words (not to say that sometimes things shouldn't be said). so unless the holy spirit moves me to go to someone and personally say something, i'm keeping my mouth shut and just committing to pray. God can move mountains and HE can change, convict, and convince others through me or without me- but i think it all starts with prayer.
i'm done with being led by others, and i'm done with feeling like i'm less "right" or more "right" when others agree or disagree with me. i don't think God really cares whether we think we're right. i think he cares about whether we're DOING right.
here's a verse that spoke to me about this very concept. i know it's not an elaborate verse, but this is exactly what God spoke to me when i read it about DOING right, rather than just telling everybody what's right.

psalm 37:3
trust in the Lord and DO good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.

i don't know about you, but i really want to dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. sounds like a nice place!

waiting

first of all, i would like to tell you that if you want to read great writing go to my friend carey's blog. it is EXCELLENT i must say. i would like to apologize for my LACK of excellence when it comes to writing on this blog. usually i write quickly- without spell check and it turns into a rambling mess- but i hope you see my heart in the middle. (especially since at this very minute caleb is standing on a step ladder- aka his tree stand- shooting arrows by my head, and collin is squealing in his exersaucer. was just feeling the need to get my thoughts on paper so to speak!)

i've been immersed in a study of the old testament by beth moore, The Patriarchs. it's simply awesome people. i could wear a t-shirt for beth moore as her #1 fan. no one makes the bible come alive for me like she does. God speaks to me in a big way through her studies. i initially started this study five years ago while i was pregnant with little cdawg, but i did not get to finish it because i went on bedrest and couldn't watch the accompanying videos. the last thing i remember studying was abraham taking his beloved promised son isaac to mount moriah in order to sacrifice him. heavy stuff. two weeks later i was in the hospital, telling God that caleb was my isaac- i was putting him in His capable hands. God's Word is always applicable, in any situation. it's amazing- you have a problem, situation, question- God's got a story for you that absolutely applies.

this time i'm studying through abraham, isaac, jacob and joseph and God is showing me something totally different. keith and i have been in a waiting period for about four years. it's hard to keep on hoping and believing that God is going to come through for you when you've waited that long. it's hard for me to wait four days much less four years. for keith and i, it's been hard not to focus on the LACK, rather than what God has been so unbelievably faithful to provide in the meantime. i used to believe that waiting periods were just downtimes, or times when God wasn't really moving all that much. now, i'm beginning to see that maybe it's the opposite. He's moving all the time, we just have to have eyes to see it.

in Genesis 40 we read that joseph is thrown in jail for a crime that he absolutely did not commit (and if you don't know the story, his brothers had previously sold him into slavery. bummer). now, was God unaware that joseph wasn't guilty? umm, no. God allowed it. the reasons why seem clear to me- joseph was a selfish brat (see Genesis 37. don't you just love how people who God uses and makes great are big fat sinners? ME TOO.) and God had a plan to make him a hero. in my limited experience God doesn't just make people great without trial or suffering. it's all over the Bible in every story. so not only did God put joseph in jail, joseph must have felt like God deserted Him there.

joseph asks pharoah's chief butler (Gen. 40:14) to remember him to pharoah after joseph had done him a great service- interpreting a dream. it took two long years for the butler to remember joseph.

now, let me just get all sidetracked for a second. is God sovereign, or is He not? sometimes i view my life like forrest gump's mama. you remember- we're all just floatin' along all gentle like on a breeze? just ramblin' through life, lettin' stuff hit us and struggling through. well, the Bible says this is false. everything in life comes straight from the Lord, He ordains it all. he sees the big picture. my mom described it to me this way: our lives are like a big tapestry. we can only see the back, which looks like a big jumble of threads and knots. but the front, which only God can see, is a beautiful picture. hopefully, when He's done that picture will look like Christ!

finally, the butler remembers joseph, and joseph is taken to pharoah where he finds favor in the extreme. joseph interprets pharoah's dream and is made his second in command. pharoah gives him everything he has- no one but him is greater. make no mistake, this wasn't any of joseph's doing. he didn't have enough drive or ambition to reach this pinnacle of success. God did it.

now, what was God doing for joseph in the meantime? while he was a slave and then thrown into prison? amazing stuff. while joseph was a slave we read (in Genesis 39:1-12) that: the LORD was with joseph, He made him prosper (joseph was head slave, potiphar his master put him in charge of everything because he saw the LORD was with him), he blessed him with favor and with His presence. again, amazing stuff. when joseph went to prison God did the same thing- he was shackled and bruised, but later put in charge of the entire prison. the favor of the LORD was on him.

i'm sure at some point (maybe a few points) joseph had some "woe is me" moments. i certainly would have i can assure you. hopefully, he could look around and see that God was still working and moving even in his desperate and seemingly hopeless situation.

at the close of the story, when joseph comes face to face with his brothers (who a few chapters earlier had sold him into slavery) he says, (Genesis 45:5-8) "i am joseph, your brother, whom you sold into egypt. but now, do not therefore be grieved or angry with yourselves because you sold me here; for God sent me before you to preserve life. for these two years the famine has been in the land, and there are still five years in which there will be neither planting nor harvesting. and God sent me before you to preserve a posterity for you in the earth, and to save your lives by a great deliverance. so now it was not you who sent me here, but God. he has made me a father to pharaoh, and lord of all his house, and ruler throughout the land of egypt."

joseph knew that the hardship and waiting he had endured came from the Lord. he recognized that God was weaving his life in a way not only to make him great, but to preserve his family. joseph's family would become known as God's chosen race, the jews, and the family from which His ultimate promise, Jesus, would come. puts it all into perspective, doesn't it? God sees the big picture.

keith and i were discussing our current waiting period last night and came to a similar conclusion. we can fuss about God's abundance and how we should have the stuff we want/need- but if we did, would we be seeking the Lord? or would we be resting in our own capabilities? we know ourselves well enough to know that a comfortable life for us would cause us to struggle for dependence on the Lord and not ourselves. God knows this and is growing qualities in the meantime that we will use to fulfill the big picture of our lives. and did i mention how He's blessing us in the meantime? we're awed when we take time to remember. hopefully, like joseph i can look back and see the LORD's fingerprints all over my "waiting" period.

what about love?

i've been reading about constance mcmillan lately. i'll get to some opinions i have about her situation later in this post or maybe on another post or maybe never. anyway, every blog post that i read about her was written by someone sympathetic. (basically, for those of you who don't know, constance is a senior in high school and a lesbian. she lives in itawamba county here in MS. she wanted to take her girlfriend to the prom and wear a tux.) and every one of them absolutely bashed my faith (well, the people who commented did) and what i believe in. now that's bad, right?

well y'all, i think a lot of it is just plain ole honest. i think the reason why people call us bigoted, haters, and small minded is because sometimes we are. now, don't go thinking i'm joining the aclu or anything like that, because i read the bible and it does say that homosexuality is wrong. so therefore, it's wrong. but here's the thing- SO ARE A LOT OF OTHER THINGS. y'all, we as christians have got to get off of our spiritual high horses. we think we are better than people. oh, we'll tell you that we don't and that we know we're sinners but i don't think we truly accept what God's grace did for us. and i'll be the first to admit it- i really don't know.

who's to say that if God hadn't swooped in and taken my life by storm that i wouldn't be an alcoholic.
prostitute.
drug addict.
lesbian.
adulterer.
murderer.... the list could go on and on.

and yet, i still have all of this un-godliness that He's dealing with. here's me in comparison.
alcoholic= coffeaholic. (yes i am being funny. but i do use a lot of it to make me feel better, like i would alcohol. just sayin'.)
prostitute= give myself away to things other than God. God calls them idols.
drug addict= computer addict.
lesbian= i've got nothing for lesbian. other than i like the approval of women?
adulterer= i really like matthew mcconaughey.
murderer= i've wished some pretty mean things about people. God says that's the same as murder.

so really, all in all, i'm NO better than the folks who are doing all of these awful, terrible things. i'm just doing what we consider to be "lesser forms" of evil that do on the surface seem to have lesser consequences, but they all (well, except for maybe coffee?) work to seperate me from my Father- which is absolutely the worst consequence for any of these offenses.

here's my point in all of this. when we as christians go to someone to share our faith and lovingly point out their sin.... wait.... (record scratch).... lovingly? isn't that what the bible says, to speak the truth in love? y'all i just don't think we got a whole lot of love for others. i think we love OURSELVES, and it makes us feel way better to look at someone else and think we aren't as bad as they are. oh yes, we are. and we could be way badder.

and that's why i believe that the world looks at us like haters. now i totally get that no matter what we as christians do, we'll be despised by the world because Christ was hated. but i think we could get a whole lot farther with people by looking past the labels their sin has created for them, and asking God to give us His eyes to see them. i'm pretty sure most of us would see a mirror unto ourselves without Christ- or at least i would.

it's not judgement when you go to someone in love. and yes, i think you have to feel the love emotion in order to do this. and if we don't have it, then i don't think we have any business trying to talk to that person. we have to want what's best for people, and they have to know that we care about them. they may not always hear what we have to say, but i believe if it comes from the Holy Spirit, then it's what needed to be said. and the Holy Spirit definitely has some opinions about how we're to feel about other people.

Matthew 22:37-39 (New International Version)
37Jesus replied: " 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' 38This is the first and greatest commandment. 39And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'

i don't know about y'all, but i love myself a WHOLE lot. enough to where i do things to make my life the best that it can be.

and we can't not tell others about Him either. if we're going to follow Jesus, then we better get after it.

Matthew 28:19-20 (New International Version)
19Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age."

i personally don't really like some Christians, much less love them. that doesn't bode very well for others outside my little bubble. so i've been doing what i know works in this situation (one in which i'm just flat out wrong and i need help changing) and that's to ask God for a heart for His people. not people in africa or china who've never heard the gospel because i can so easily love them. the people in my neighborhood, my circle of friends, my facebook friends (ha!)... THOSE are the people i need help to love.

now, back to constance. i wonder if there are any christians around her who are just loving on her and trying to form a relationship with her. anybody in her life who's told her that she's worthy. that she's special. that they love her. that God, the King of Everything loves her. i wonder if anyone has lovingly taken the time to show her in the bible what the consequences of her sin are and show her what eternal life is.

i wonder if i would be that kind of christian if given the chance. i know God's changing me into a person who realizes that i'd better be.

courtship

two posts in one night! i really, really like to write. i do not like to upload photos for an hour. bleh. anyway, i'm at home alone and decided to share the story of my courtship with my Man the MAN keith. it's the 10th anniversary of our first date AND i've been reading Ree, the Pioneer Woman's blog about her and marlboro man's love story, so inspiring!
did y'all hear that? it's the 10th anniversary of our first date- no april fools! i can't believe i've known him for that long and yet i can't hardly remember what life was like without him.

we met, obviously, on april 1, 2000. i was teaching kindergarten at a little school in pell city, alabama and living the high life in bham. (on 280 where the summit is for those of you who know birmingham). when i say high life i mean eating out almost every meal, shopping almost exclusively at the limited and banana republic, and didn't think a thing about tanning and getting nails (oh my, i'm going to have to stop talking about it too much or i'm going to get a little depressed!! y'all may not think this is too high but when you're a stay at home mom your priorities shift. just a little!). and for those of you who know what a teacher makes you have to have already guessed that either my parents were sending me money or i was living off of my credit cards. a little yes to the parents and a big HUGE yes to the credit card deal. i went to church sporadically, but was all about being the "good little christian girl" in the bar on saturday night. i'd tell you all about jesus while holding my amaretto sour and shakin' it to "boogie shoes" at- oh my word, i've forgotten the name of the place! it'll come back to me in a moment. it's in southside. there were a few places there that we frequented.

anyway, i was all about NOT having a boyfriend. or so that's what i said. i dated just about anybody i deemed cute and called me and didn't care one way or the other where it all went. but secretly, on the inside i desperately longed for something i didn't even know i needed. i remember telling a friend that i just wanted someone who "loved jesus and wanted a relationship with Him more than anything". well, you wouldn't have known that by the fools i was dating! i serve an unbelievably awesome and gracious savior who heard that one little statement and a few disjointed prayers about direction/marriage and wa-la! in steps the sweetest man with the sexiest voice (sorry y'all, it's my blog, i can write what i want. for those of you who don't know him it's deep and gravelly and COUNTRY. love it!). my life forever was changed, and through a relationship with mr. sexy voice i found a relationship with God that is deeper than anything i ever could have imagined.

well, in the meantime my man was all about HUNTING. (i'm sure for those of you who know him you're thinking, isn't he still all about hunting? well he is, but he puts it into a little better perspective now) he had given up on finding the perfect woman (y'all wouldn't believe the reasons he broke up with girls!) and he also was a bit of a self-proclaimed diamond in the rough. i've seen his college ID- think grizzly adams. he needed to get out of the woods! so my friend's boyfriend invited him to turkey hunt one weekend and meet a girl (me!)

tracey (my friend) and i got all cutied up at her lakehouse in tuscaloosa and waited in anticipation for the boys. the funny thing is that i'd heard about "polky" while in college from some of my girlfriends, but never put two and two together about him until later. he had charmed those girls for sure just being such a fun guy, but didn't realize it. so about 6pm i hear a truck rumbling up and out jumps keith. and i definitely thought he was cute. my first impressions of keith were how nice he was. the boys grilled us some steaks and keith grabs a plate and serves me. like, asks me which steak i'd like and scoops up some beans and fries for me and everything. and then, THEN he said the blessing.

so after we ate our friends claimed the couch and we sat in recliners facing each other. supposed to be watching a movie. i do remember the movie- The Sixth Sense. we still ask each other with a sneaky grin if the other's seen it. keith says he remembers i was wearing a toe ring and he thought i might be kinda wild. really, he'd been in the woods- he didn't know what wild girls looked like because i DEFINITELY was not. i was a kindergarten teacher for crying out loud! we made small talk about life and then, the movie was over and we were done. and, i think, maybe he got my number? but that was it. i knew he liked me and i liked him, but i just didn't see me ending up with some forester from nowhere, MS.

i went back to bham and continued life. about two weeks later, on monday night at nine my phone rang. and so continued a pattern for about two months. he was nothing if not consistent. i do remember telling him how much i wanted to move back to tuscaloosa but had serious doubts about getting a job. his response, "that's just the devil trying to tell you lies. you know God has good things planned for you, get into his word and pray about it". that must have registered in my brain for me to remember it, but at the time i was so caught up with other things that i didn't see how special he was.

our friends the matchmakers decided to pick up our slack and planned our next date. keith was headed to atlanta for a business trip, and we all would go with him a few days early and catch a braves game. y'all, no joke, i fell in love with him on the way to atlanta. we talked about stuff that you just don't necessarily share with somebody who you barely know. on the last morning there he gave me his business card and told me if i was interested that i needed to call him at work. he said he really liked me, but he wouldn't pursue me if he didn't know i liked him. y'all, i'm honestly kinda shocked he did that knowing him now. he just knew how to push my buttons acting all interested but still holding back. he did this throughout our courtship and it made me nuts. i wanted him to be shouting his love for me to the rooftops and he was all, "i'll see you in a few weeks cause i gotta hunt with my friends this weekend, but i'll really miss you." but knowing myself now, if he'd shouted it from the rooftops it would have been siyanara city.

holding his business card in my sweaty little palm i called him about three days later. you know, the perfect length of time to let him know i hadn't forgotten, but i was being nonchalant about calling. in reality i'd told my mom the day before that i'd met the man i was going to marry and he was from prentiss, ms. she got all freaked out and pulled a map out to see where in the world this crazy country boy was going to be taking her sweet city baby girl to. y'all, i was IN TER REST ED. he seemed happy to hear from me. i really tried to play it cool but i thought about him all the time. i dreamed about him, replayed all of our conversations in my mind and longed for the day that he would tell me he loved me. and he did, about 7 months later.

trips to prentiss were by far my favorite. i loved hanging out with his funny family, riding four wheelers through sandy creeks, shooting an array of firearms, tromping through the woods, and riding backroads just talking about life. and while our courtship wasn't always smooth sailing, there was this deep longing in my heart to be joined to him. i just knew it from as far back as atlanta. he says he knew it too, but sometimes i think he had a deer up his butt or something.

in august of that next year we got engaged. i think keith would have let our relationship rock on a little longer, but one evening in june i reminded him that i was a school teacher and if he wanted to marry me we had to get married in the summer if i was going to teach at a new school and i needed at least 7 months to plan a wedding and if we didn't get married the next summer then he was going to have to drive to tuscaloosa for a whole 'nother year. i said it just like that and all in one breath. later he told me he'd been thinking about asking but when i put it that way to him he decided he'd better get a move on. not that i hadn't shown him about a GAZILLION times that one carat princess cut platinum ring with trillions on the side that i wanted in about 50 different subtle ways already. y'all, i can be kinda persistent about things. i wouldn't necessarily call it stubborn- HA!

so anyway, he asked. out of breath and guzzling water and at the deer camp (we'd actually had so much fun and so many memories i hoped he would ask me there). it sounds kinda cheesy now (sorry babe!) but he put my ring in a pair of fingerless gloves so when i tried them on the ring would come out. all wrapped up with a bunch of camo clothes. i was mad when i opened it because i thought when he started acting all nervous that this was IT and then it was just some dumb camo! ohh, but he redeemed himself. i have no clue how he asked me or what he said, other than he was on one knee and i realized that his surprise trip to tuscaloosa a week earlier was to ask my parent's permission. he does stuff right y'all.

well, our wedding and honeymoon was wonderful- we were surrounded by friends and family and we was in LUV and then we moved to brandon... and things were a little harder. i kind of had some post-wedding let-down and summer all by myself with job not started and nothing to do blues. i remember us talking about church and wanting to make it a priority but just never doing anything about it. well, keith came home one evening and drove a stake in the sand. he said the beer in the fridge was the last we would drink and that we were headed to church that sunday. he began to read his bible more and pray for us out loud more often. that's the thing about having a godly man, it makes you desire to have more of him and God. i began to see areas of my life (like being lukewarm) that i needed to change. some of those areas i'm still working on, but nevertheless, what began as "cultural" or outward christianity began to be a relationship with my Father. i've always loved God, but i certainly didn't know him beyond a few bible verses. i watched keith go on to be a faithful tither, leader, mentor, and deacon in our church. now just those things don't mean all that much, but to watch him pray for our family, lay hands on us when we're sick and cry out to God for our needs is, well, inspiring for lack of a better word.

God blessed me with so much more than a man to love. He blessed me with a man who makes me happy- not by just the things he does, but by who he is in Christ. because we both actively seek the Lord we grow closer together as we draw near to God. it's pretty amazing. it's a story only our Heavenly Father could have written. and i hope one day when our boys read this they'll be not only seeking the mate that God has picked out for them, but seeking a relationship with Him, the One who ultimately matters.

the bible says that we, God's people are like his bride. we are made clean, sinless, clothed in white, and ready to spend eternity with Him.

Revelation 19:6-8 (New International Version)
6Then I heard what sounded like a great multitude, like the roar of rushing waters and like loud peals of thunder, shouting: "Hallelujah! For our Lord God Almighty reigns. 7Let us rejoice and be glad and give him glory! For the wedding of the Lamb has come, and his bride has made herself ready. 8Fine linen, bright and clean, was given her to wear."

held

oh i know most of y'all come here to see my babies. i promise to post some pics. been thinking about that a lot today and just haven't had a spare second. it seems to take forever-stinkin-long to do picture posts so i tend to put it off. anyway, i just felt like blogging tonight- you know, just an off the cuff straight from my heart stream of conciousness. (and don't you just dig how i can't let God, Jesus, and HS be uncapitalized?? i write it that way originally and then go back and change it. i'm always worried y'all will think i'm not being reverent enough. one of these days i'm just going to let it ride. i really don't think God cares, he knows my heart). anyway, on to the actual, ahem, post:

y'all, i lead a very blessed life. i have a man who loves Jesus. if you have one, then you know what i'm talking about. they just can't be a jerk or screw up too big because the Holy Spirit gets after them and they just have to make things right. same said for a woman who loves Jesus- but really, if you're a christian woman then the thing that you desire the most, the one thing that makes you the happiest is to see your man doing the will of God. it makes me feel safe, secure, and drives me to the heart of my Father. keith is a lot of things- but this part of him makes me feel the most blessed.

i also have two beautiful healthy little boys. y'all know how i feel about my boys. they make my heart swell so big just thinking about them. i couldn't have picked them out of a mail order catalog to be any better.

i have wonderful friends... there for me thick and thin. i have wonderful extended family- believe me, my kids owe most of their wardrobe/toys/stuff to our parents. they are a huge blessing. i attend a great church. i'm healthy.

i have a darling (little) house that i really like (read have learned to be content with the size of). i have a nice car that's dependable. i have cute clothes and money that i can spend.

y'all, i could just keep on going and going with the blessings. i honestly have no reason for complaint.

and yet i just feel sometimes like i'm waiting on the other shoe to drop. if you blog hop at all then you can read about ten blogs to every one that have an author who's lived through tragedy. i guess their stories just seem to draw people to them moreso than "hi my name is sally. i'm rich, beautiful, talented.... (you get the picture)" i seem to find the ones where babies are sick or have died. i usually can't even read most of them because it just makes me so sad. and sometimes deep down, i just know, i mean i just KNOW that i deserve to have something like that happen to me. i'm waiting on it. really God, you know that i don't love you like i should. you know that my walk isn't as powerful or as deep or heck even as consistent as suzy q who has got it.all.together. i'm ugly on the inside. and i don't deserve these beautiful babies or this great husband. i've gotten good at looking the part, but really, i need some tragedy because you must really want to punish me.

i pull out my bible and read, but there's absolutely nothing to support these feelings. what i read is, i love you. i created you. i made you to be mine. live without fear. love me like i love you. you are worthy. you are blessed. you are equipped to do my work. i will teach you how to live, depend on me. no matter what you face, i'll give you joy, honor, strength, restoration. i'll never stop loving you. you can never get to far in any pit that i won't come after you. you can't ever sin so big that i wouldn't stop loving or even liking you. i forget your transgressions as soon as you ask me to. you are chosen. beautiful. i want to always be with you. i couldn't have ordered you out of a mail order catalog any better.

i don't deserve any of what i have... and yet, if i suffer through tragedy, i won't deserve that either. we live in a sinful world and pain is a reality. i don't know what challenges i will face in the future. i do know, however, that my hope is not in how big my savings account is, how faithful my husband will be, my friends, parents, or even that my boys will always love their mama. in other words, my faith is not placed in the concrete things of this world. my hope is in Jesus Christ. because he loves me, and i love him, i can confess my sin and be done with it. and i know, without a shadow of a doubt, that whatever tragedy i face here on earth Jesus will make it up to me ten thousand fold in heaven. what i live through here is only around a hundred years. what i live through there- is eternity.

while i struggle with feelings of condemnation sometimes, most of the time i know, deep down, i just KNOW that when i'm blessed, i'm held. when i face hard things, i'm held. when i'm doubting- i'm held. sometimes the battlefield in my mind is harder than the one i face in reality. even so, i'm held. HELD.

thank you Jesus.